The Tooth Fairy and Other Lies

My five-year-old lost her first tooth last week. She literally lost it, didn't even know it was gone. She came over to tell me something and I thought she looked funny. She opened wide and the tooth was gone -- I don't think she even knew it. Don't know where it went -- maybe she swallowed it. It was very One Morning in Maine, except we don't live in Maine and it happened inside the house.

I told my friends. One of them asked what the tooth fairy brought. Um, nothing. Suzanne never mentioned the tooth fairy, so I didn't raise the issue.

Here's my problem. Years ago at a playgroup, the butcher's wife mentioned how Santa Claus is the first time many parents purposefully lie to their kids. For some reason, this really struck me. Since then, I haven't played up Santa Claus, she gets enough of it from our culture. We've read books about the historical Santa Claus but I don't really get into the nitty gritty of telling her he's real or unreal, but none of her presents are from Santa -- they come from mom and dad. The same friend who asked about what the tooth fairy brought also asked what Santa brought. She must think I'm a nutcase, maybe thats why she's always so nice to Suzanne.

Anyway, I guess Suzanne hasn't heard much about the tooth fairy -- if she had and had expected a visit, she would have gotten one. But I'm not bringing it up. I'm thinking she's probably headed for therapy and I'm headed for hell.

Who Is the Beholder?

I've been pondering my toe-nails for some time now. Bored housewife or social radical? (guess it really isn't a political issue)

Warm weather is finally coming to the DC area and I've been donning sandals as of late. My habit is to start painting my toenails in the spring and through summer. I've never had a manicure or a pedicure and at this point in my life, I wear that as a badge of honor (along with never having had my hair 'done' or having visited a tanning bed. I'm not a natural woman by any means, one of my greatest joys in life is dyeing my hair and has been for a couple of decades). Polished toes look kind of nice, though, so I paint them. Its a pain and I've been known to wear chipped polish for a week before I repaint -- and then there is the all-consuming question of whether to just put another coat on to hide the chips or to remove the polish and re-apply.

Whatever. I don't feel like polishing my toe-nails anymore. My toes look fine -- they are toes. I flatter myself to think they are not my most attractive feature so whether I should call attention to them by painting them is yet another question. My toes don't look awful unpainted -- they do in mid-summer when the polish has yellowed the nail a bit.

Anyway, as a social reactionary (or perhaps an antisocial person), I feel spurred on in my decision not to paint my toes by Anne's post on her other blog, Economom. For whom do I paint my toes? I paint my toes for me and I don't want to do it anymore.

Don't worry, I'm not about to stop shaving or burn my bra (I need that lift and support).

Vacation Reading

We're going to the beach in a couple of weeks and I'm looking for some light, funny, interesting summer reading. I'm currently reading homeschooling books and a book on comparative religion. I used to be a big fiction reader but I've drifted away from that recently. My recent fiction books have been Susan Howatch novels, but I've gotten tired of the formula and of the religious/spiritual format (they really all say the same things anyway).

So, I'm looking for something to read but I would prefer not to actually purchase the book. I've requested books from the local library, however, I'm deep enough in the waiting lists and the library holdings are few enough that I don't think I'll get any of them in time for vacation. My husband insists I won't have much time to read since we have young children, but I'll have the loooong car trip down and back and last couple of years I was able to do a fair amount of reading. Of course, our youngest was napping then, giving me a 2-hour block every afternoon while DH took the eldest on outings to the playground or pool. The youngest is no longer napping, so maybe DH has a point.

Anyway, what do I want to read? Prep, I am Charlotte Simmons, Smashed. Yep, I'm looking for books about collegiate life replete with substance abuse shenanigans in an attempt to learn why we do stupid things in college (at least, some of us). Probably won't get them from the library and don't want to fork out the cash for them.

DH suggested I Don't Know How She Does It which would definitely be available at the library. Doesn't appeal to me. I read the Nanny Diaries a couple of years ago and enjoyed it. I thought the first half was really funny but found the second half immensely depressing. Poor kid. The nanny I found to be too self-centered even for a college student. It was a good read though and would be perfect beach reading.

I just saw a review for White House Nannies, that could be fun. The waiting list isn't too long, but with only a few copies in the library system, I'm unlikely to get it.

Yes, I could shell out the money to buy one of these books, but I'm now faced with option paralysis as to which one I want to read enough to buy it. Too many choices.

I'll probably read a book about a Zen practitioner facing a terminal illness, thats available at the library.

Please Don't Tell My Kids How They Feel

My oldest had her 5-year check-up the other day. No shots but she had to have a finger-prick blood test. I hate those, she hates those -- it was a bit tense. I tried soothing and calming her a bit and it helped a little, but she was still scared and stalling (she was not screaming or thrashing about). The lab tech and nurse did not have the best bed-side manner and were trying to rush me along with some nonsense about others waiting to use the lab -- the office was actually pretty empty at the time and, I'm sorry, but I usually wait 1/2 hour in the waiting room and an additional 10 minutes in the examining room. I think they can be understanding that a 5 year-old is not thrilled about a needle stick.

Sorry, ranting. Anyway, what got me most was after the lab tech pierced my child, she proceeded to do her thing to collect the blood samples. Suzanne was still crying and fussing a bit (this was not a horror show fit, just typical whining about the pain) and the tech told her it didn't hurt anymore. Now I wanted to throw a horror show scene because I always found the squeezing of the stuck finger to be far more painful than the needle stick. I calmly said something to that effect but I wanted to scream at this woman not to lie to my child and how did she know anyway. Bitch. Pardon my honesty.

Maybe its time for me to check into alternative health care.

The second episode happened during a playdate when her playmate started mixing playdough colors. Not a big deal, we'd probably all agree, but it upset a small child. The playmate's parent said that he does it all the time and might even have suggested she'd get more playdough and soothingly said to my daughter, "Don't cry, Suzanne." We don't need more playdough, we can certainly work through our anal issues about not mixing colors (this comes from me), but don't tell my child not to express her emotions. Again, this was not a big fit or tantrum, more of a whining with tears streaming down her face. Not a big deal, but it definitely underscores to me what one should not say to a child.

Don't worry, I say the wrong thing plenty of times. I'm glad to notice these things because, hopefully, it will help me correct my behavior.

Moms' Names

In the spirit of the playgroup, I'm looking for a bit of enlightenment here.

How should your child's friends address you (or your friends' children, for that matter) ? I'm for the formality of Mrs. X. I can understand the informality of first names, but I can't help but feel its inappropriate. Granted, when I was a kid, I thought it was super-cool when a neighbor, friend's parent, or substitute teacher said, "call me Thelma."

When I was a new mom, my friend Anne was a seasoned mom -- I always liked the way she used Mrs. Smith when she was talking to her kids referring to me. Another friend in playgroup, used to refer to us to her child as "Miss Marjorie" and "Miss Anne." I was okay with that, too, but I think it was beginning to veer towards only the name as the child got older. Our neighbors' elementary school-aged kids call both me and my husband by our first names and it drives us a bit batty. Having a munchkin, or a not so munchkin, call me Marjorie is grating to me -- most especially if I had not been asked if it was okay.

But its not okay -- I had a friend over yesterday and she was telling her son that if he wanted something or other, that he should ask me. She paused before finishing this directive, turned to me and asked if it was okay if he called me Marjorie. I felt like a total heel, but I stuck to my guns and said "I'd prefer he use Mrs. Smith." She smiled and it was all fine, but I did feel like a fuddy-duddy. I would have prefered if the default had been Mrs. Smith; that would still allow me to lessen formality if I wanted by saying "no, please, call me Marjorie."

I definitely see the point of children using first names as a way of showing a greater friendliness, but in those cases I have a real need for a title, like "Miss Marjorie" or "Aunt Marjorie" even if we're not blood-related. Its not that I'm a big authoritarian, to me its more of an issue of respect.

Cake Talk

If I make a cake, I use a boxed cake -- I think they taste great and its so easy. I was chatting with a couple of moms at Suzanne's birthday party today about it (Suzanne is still young enough where her friends are mostly my friends' kids, so I really enjoyed the guests at the party). These moms told me that baking a cake from scratch is pretty difficult, that they often turn out dry. This made me feel like I have a good reason to use a boxed cake -- not only is it easy, its actually better than scratch.

However, frosting is a different matter. I don't care for canned frosting -- too sweet, not enough flavor, chemical aftertaste. When I make frosting, I use my mama's recipe (she probably got it from somewhere, but I don't know where). Its easy and yummy and here it is.

Mama's Heavenly Frosting

In a screwtop jar, add 1/2 cup milk and 2 tablespoons flour. Shake until well mixed. Pour into a small saucepan and put on stove over medium-high heat. Stir constantly until it forms a paste. Remove from heat and let cool completely.

In a bowl, cream together 1 stick of butter and 1/2 cup sugar using a mixer. Add the paste and 1 teaspoon vanilla and mix until fluffy like whipped cream. Frost cake or eat straight.

For a chocolate version, I simply add 1/3 cup cocoa powder. You might want to adjust the amount to taste -- I love a strong chocolate flavor.

Enjoy!

Birthday Party Post Mortem

Today was Suzanne's 5th birthday and her birthday party. I'll try to be brief here, but may give the long version over on my other blog, unclimber, where I direct my homeschooling and religion posts.

The weather was hard to call. We have had a string of days with gorgeous weather until yesterday evening, when we had three violent thunderstorms. The newspaper was calling for t-storms today and it was cloudy all morning. The party was in the afternoon, so I planned for more of an indoor affair. I had a couple of crafts for the kids to do and my husband was on stand-by as the MC for games.

The crafts consisted of puppet- and bookmark-making stations. For the puppets -- the kids were given brown paper lunch bags, google eyes, markers, scrap paper, and glue sticks. Bookmark making was even simpler -- strip of paper from a scrapbooking kit I have and stickers. Stick the stickers on the strips and voila -- your very own bookmark. Sorry, kids, crafts are not my gig.

It was nice enough to play outside and I was kicking myself that I wasn't better prepared. I love to have toys, tents, and bubble equipment out for the kids but I didn't have it for fear that everything would get drenched in a downpour. Inspiration struck my husband, though, and he had the wagon out for kids to climb in while he raced around the backyard pulling it. It was a hit! Of course, he was pretty tired by the effort.

After hearing thunder and feeling a few drops, we headed inside. We were an hour into a two-hour party so I thought it would be a good time for cake. We had one cake from a local grocery store and we had made cupcakes and frosting that morning. I ran out of time making the frosting so the cupcakes became another craft -- frost your own. That was actually a big hit because kids that age like spreading and they got to choose between chocolate or vanilla frosting. I had logistical problems as my kitchen area is a bit tight -- if you're going to do this, I recommend having room for all the kids to sit down.

We had lots of time for free-play and the party probably dragged a bit, but I'll spin it to say that everyone was able to relax and talk. I'm one of those 'open presents after the party' types, so I didn't have that to fill the time. Luckily the weather had cleared and some kids finished out the party playing outside.

We survived and Suzanne was happy with the party. I would have been happier if my youngest hadn't fallen out of a chair I was attempting to gently move with her in it, causing her to bleed profusely from the mouth and causing me to worry about 'dead' front teeth.

Its over. Thank God.

College Blogging

Just got this from Steve over at llamabutchers. An adjunct professor at SMU got fired ("failed to have her contract renewed") because of blogging (no, they don't say that, but come on).

Anyway, bits of her blog are still up, I hope she gets a book deal.

BTW, a book I loved long ago about college life from various perspectives was Jane Smiley's Moo.

Happy Mother's Day, Anne

...and to all mothers and mothers-to-be (expecting or otherwise).

And now, a tale of my first Mother's Day... or was it?
[wavy text as we turn the back the clock]

Mother's Day 2000 was on May 14, the latest date possible for Mother's Day, which is the second Sunday of every May. I was very large with my first child and have the pictures to prove it. My due date was May 19 but I had been certain I'd go early -- I was exercising and walking and my OB had pushed my due date back by two weeks early in the pregnancy. Based on my calculations, I was due May 5, based on the initial ultrasound, I was due May 19. Bad luck.

Mother's Day morning, I noticed the absence of any card for me at the breakfast table. I questioned my husband, Tom, about this. "You're not a mother" was his response. For those of you out there unclear on this issue, any pregnant woman is a mother -- especially one that is about to pop. Breakfast was tense that morning. I can't recall whether my husband produced a card that the had bought just in case -- regardless, the damage was done -- I was not a mother in his eyes. I responded later that I must have been a mother because he certainly was a mother f**ker (it was a joke, I find coarse language to be strangely empowering. I'm not the only woman to feel this way. I'm not saying anyone should emulate me.)

We went to church, which was rare for us in those days. As we exited, one extremely kind woman tapped me and wished me a happy Mother's Day. I shot Tom a dirty look.

My husband and I joined my parents and my maternal grandmother for brunch. We discussed Tom's faux pas at breakfast. My father backed him up, asserting that I was not a mother. (For some reason, there are certain men that seem to get a lot of enjoyment out of annoying me. This is not unique to me, I've witnessed Anne's husband bait her. I guess they just like the danger of it all.) My mother, precious angel that she is, had a card for me. She mentioned it was hard for her to pick a card because she didn't know if she should get a mother-to-be card or a mother card, since it was possible I might have had the baby before Mother's Day.

No, really, it gets better. That evening, Tom and I took a long stroll around the neighborhood. We came home and I proceeded to put together a casserole for dinner. Right after I put it in the oven, about 6 pm, I turned around, ready to make some salads. At that point -- whoosh! My water broke unmistakably. I was so excited and scared and freaked. I thought it was mighty convenient that my water didn't break until after I got Tom's dinner made. My OB told me that I was to wait until the contractions came X minutes apart and then head for the hospital. If the contractions never came, we were to go to the hospital around midnight because of concern over infection and that we'd need to get the show on the road.

We went to the hospital and my daughter was born after 9 am on Monday, May 15, thereby insuring that her birthday never fall on Mother's Day, so I can never even say, 'well, if you were born in thus and such a year, it would have been on Mother's Day.'

To this day, my father loves to point out that Tom has celebrated more Father's Days that I have Mother's Days.

Happy Mother's Day!

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman

Natural accomplishment, eh? But remember, I'm anti-rewards, so my idea of 'accomplishment' probably also varies from that of many others.

I enjoyed Elizabeth's review as I'm sure I'll never read the book -- but it sounds as if Lareau is humming the tune "What Do the Simple Folk Do?" If I recall, the singers of that song ended up divorced with the wife nearly burned at the stake -- rescued by the dashing Lancelot but then cutting off her hair and vowing a life of chastity.

Wait, what was the topic?

I suppose the book discusses that the working class may not shuttle their kids around to activities because of the financial restrictions of their economic status. That could be the only reason why parents don't 'do everything possible to give their kid every advantage.' There are those of us who actually choose this way of life. We define 'advantage' differently. To me, the most important 'advantage' is copious time with my children and granting them the freedom to let their imaginations roam and look at the clouds instead of forcing them into an unceasing parade of activities in which they may have little interest. However, there is a big difference between taking a ballet or karate class and having every afternoon and weekend booked with lessons and tutoring and athletics.

I always wonder if the jam-packed schedules have more to do with the parents competing with one another than having to do with nurturing their child's talents. I think there may be a herd mentality, that 'everyone is doing it.' A recent Op-Ed in the Washington Post supports this -- she says twice that she sent her kids to camp for just that reason.

As to 'middle class' naturalists (unschoolers), there is a big divide in philosophy over whether to allow the kids unfettered access to TV, believing (and proving) that the kids moderate themselves eventually, and getting rid of the TV altogether.

Interesting book -- I don't see the need to lump people into groups. Anne seems to me to be interested in the sociological approach, I'm more interested in the psychological approach. I'm uninterested in the demographics and am more likely to wonder what it is about people that makes them choose certain approaches.

Inconsistency

I got a chance to play some tennis today. I suppose I'm the girl with the curl -- when I make good shots, they are very good, but when I don't, my shots are horrid.

I remember years ago playing on an office volleyball team. A friend of mine stated bluntly that I'm an inconsistent player -- she couldn't predict where I would send the ball or if I'd even make it over the net. She was probably pretty frustrated about that.

Its not that I'm unathletic, its just that I've never had much practice in any of these sports. My mom never wanted me playing rec league sports because they really interrupt family time on weekends. So, I can play sports, but I'm either not good or I'm inconsistent.

It makes me wonder where else in my life I'm inconsistent -- definitely with mothering, I can be very moody. My husband tells me I'm not inconsistent as a spouse, but I think he's trying positive reinforcement.

Consistency now....consistency now....

On An Even Keel

(I wonder if I spelled that right...)

Mike's comment on my Elastigirl post got me thinking. What if sometimes a cartoon is only a cartoon? Well, no, it didn't get me thinking that, but it does make me wonder about opinions and balance.

I am a woman of strongly held opinions. I like being that way, but I'm finally recognizing that it might be an impediment to compassion, understanding, and peace. Anyone reading through Unclimber and Barely Attentive Mother can see that Anne and I have gone at it on various issues with me blundering around in absolutes and her suggesting a bit of moderation and understanding.

Sometimes I fear that any attempt to moderate myself might end up diluting my passions. As a creature of passion, I cannot imagine life without passion. Then again, I long for more patience and understanding with my kids. I constantly remind myself that these small creatures are also vulnerable and delicate and that they really don't need mommy yelling at them in an attempt to relieve her frustrations (it never works anyway).

A final concern is that if I moderate my opinions I will become wishy-washy and aimless, unsure of anything and unable to make a decision.

Well, I think I can safely try to exercise a bit more empathy without becoming a door-mat.

My Fairy-Tale Existence

I have two daughters. Suzanne is nearly 5 and Gabrielle is 2 1/2. Gabrielle is going through an extreme "Mommy phase." She wants me to hold her and carry her much of the time. Her sleep, and mine, is disturbed several times a night as she cries for me. I don't know if she has nightmares, night terrors, or if she just wakes up between sleep cycles and wants me.

Last night, I went into her room to soothe her several times. She continued to cry for me, progressing to screaming for me. We recently moved her from her crib to a toddler bed and she now shares a room with her sister. Toddler beds are short (the crib mattress is used in the bed), low to the ground and have a weight restriction that would prohibit even Elasticgirl from climbing in and cuddling up with her child. Thus, I sat on the floor and leaned over to comfort Gabrielle. Each time I attempted to leave the room, she started to cry. I decided to sleep on the floor next to her and this soothed her enough so that we both eventually drifted to sleep.

Before I fell asleep, I was thinking about how I was curled up on the floor amongst my children sleeping in their beds, a modern day Kinderella.

Weight and Feminist Ire

We love string cheese. Being thrifty (cheap), I buy whatever brand is cheapest based on sales and coupons. Recently, we've been eating Frigo Cheese Heads. The individual packages promote various characters from The Incredibles. I haven't seen the movie, but I know Anne has. Each cheese stick has a different character and interesting factoid about the character's particular talents or attributes -- like some male character who is so cool, he says "Freeze" to the bad guys before he freezes them.

Well, on my cheese stick package, I see a lovely picture of an animated young woman. The accompanying text says:

Elastigirl is 5'8" tall and weighs 125 pounds. Her power is full-body
elasticity.

Why do we get the height and weight of this character? I reviewed the contents of the entire package (and a big package it is) and there is no other height or weight measurement given for any other character, and there are a couple of different packages for each character.

Who is the target market of this product? Thirty-something moms? Yeah, I'm going to ask my kids if I can go see The Incredibles. I'm thinking its targeted to a younger demographic, one that is perhaps very weight sensitive? [Hello my anger. Breathing in, I smile at you, breathing out, I embrace you.....nope, not working]

I am outraged at this. First of all, I don't think 125 is a reasonable weight for most 5'8" women, its very skinny. I'm an inch shorter and was about that weight right before I got married because I couldn't stand my law school roommate and spent all my time in the gym and eating frozen vegetable stir-fries. While I enjoyed feeling skinny, I knew I looked peaked. One friend of mine figured I was thin because of stress, which I took to mean I didn't look healthy and good. Granted, I was 26 at the time, so its not too off the wall that a teenager might be this skinny. But what about the ones who aren't? I think this package might as well list the urls for the Ana (anorexia) and Mia (bulimia) websites.

Grrrrrr.......

Cheap Eats

Maybe I should post a response rather than a super-long comment to Anne's post on feeding a family for $10 a day. Like I said in my comment, I don't know what our meals cost, but since I prefer to use 'shelf stable' ingredients, I'm betting our meals are pretty cheap.

In addition to each entree listed below, we have a salad and a half grapefruit or other in-season fruit. Okay, only when I have them on hand, usually its just salad or some frozen vegetable that I've steamed. Our meals tend to be sparse. An interesting note: Tom lost 10 lbs. when we were first married because of my propensity for low-fat, bean-based cooking and because he had previously been eating restaurant food twice a day.

What do the kids eat? Gabrielle, 2 1/2, eats table food. Suzanne, 5, eats nothing usually. She may nibble on cheese or leftover tortillas. I read in a book about picky eaters that young kids really only need two meals a day -- I like that so I'll go with it. Suzanne has a good breakfast and lunch and a vitamin pill so I stay off her case about eating. Bad mommy but I don't think its enough to trigger a CPS visit (Child Protective Service is our state's child welfare office). We offer her food, we just don't make her eat it.

Some of our frequent meals include:

Tuna White Bean Casserole -- called Sparky's Cannelini Salad on Anne's blog

Jarred spaghetti sauce with spaghetti -- get 'em on sale

Chicken Florentine Casserole
with canned chicken, frozen spinach, a can of cream of mushroom soup and other ingredients

Chicken Pot Pie
canned chicken, cream of chicken soup, about a cup and a half of frozen mixed veggies and corn muffin mix for the top.

Bean Dip Casserole
a basic black bean dip recipe doubled and served with brown rice.

Hot dogs with baked beans

Crispitoes
a 15 oz can fat-free refried beans heated and mixed with a 15 oz can of petite diced tomatoes with jalapeno peppers/green chiles (Del Monte or RoTel); this mixture is used as filling for tortillas which I then bake for about a half hour at 350. These are really burritoes, but if you don't cover the pan, they get crisp, hence the name. When reheated in the microwave, they get mushy and become 'sogitos.'

Chicken curry
a can of chicken and a can of chickpeas with a curry sauce -- look for it in The Can Opener Gourmet

Chicken patties
we'll each have a frozen chicken breast patty with a side of mac n' cheese or other Lipton side dish. These are easy to keep on hand for a quick meal.

Once a week we order out from or eat out at a local ethnic restaurant, usually Indian, Thai or Italian. We often get a cheapo pizza at the grocery store for Friday night dinner.

Well Done, Anne!

Chocolate and peanut butter, its my favorite combination. Which do I love more? I cannot say, some days I prefer chocolate, some days I prefer peanut butter, but I always prefer to have both together.