Chocolate and Peanut Butter

Booh Bah

2005-10-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Terrifies my 5 year-old. I find it very bizarre, I can understand not liking it, but to run screaming from the room for fear that you will see non-verbal, pear-shaped, pastel-colored, "things" strikes me as bizarre. More so when you consider that she loves the Teletubbies.

My 3 year-old sometimes says she doesn't like Booh Bah and sometimes says she does. She has no problem watching it though.

The problem is that I tape Mr. Rogers on PBS and Booh Bah is the show that follows it. I used to set the VCR to tape a few minutes before and after Mr. Rogers just to make sure we got the entire episode and to account for the VCR clock being off a minute or two either way. Thus, we often ended up taping the opening scenes of Booh Bah, which precipitated the aforementioned behavior. Okay, so I finally got it and decided to set the VCR clock accurately and tape only Mr. Rogers, stopping during the commericials between the shows. But she still is terrified when Mr. Rogers ends, no matter how many times I have explained that I have solved the problem. Sigh.

I was thinking I should dress the 3 year-old up as a Booh Bah for Halloween. I know of at least one child who would be scared by the costume.

Hehehehe....

Impressed Men...

2005-09-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

...drive me nuts. It seems that every time we drive around our county, with me directing the way, my DH looks at me approvingly and says "you really know your way around." I have lived in this county for three decades, I should know my way around. I never say to him when we visit his county that he knows his way around -- it seems quite natural to me that he would.

My dad does this to me all the time -- gets impressed by basic, logical conclusions I draw. He also repeats his advice -- for years he told me to watch out for potholes in the winter and to avoid them. Duh, when I see a pothole I want to hit it dead on at high speed, right? Oh, no, avoid, avoid. I ALWAYS forget that one.

My husband and my dad both know me well -- I don't get why they are surprised by anything I say or do. On one hand, its sort of flattering, but on the other hand its incredibly insulting. Oh well, I've always figured its better to be underestimated -- they never see it coming.

Okay, I admit this is a lame post, but at least no one is going to annoy me by being impressed with it.

Potty Blogging -- the un edition

2005-09-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

Good news, Gabrielle, almost 3, is completely trained. The bad news is, she knows everything she does in her pull-up and refuses to use the potty. Sigh. Oh well -- she is at the point where I can ask her to do her more significant elimination processes at home. I don't know if she's complying with my request, or if she only feels comfortable at home or at my parents'. Regardless, changing her in public is really easy -- she just steps out of her wet pull-up and into a dry one. Does this make me happy? Not really, but it is what it is.

Even though I'm not a fan of rewards (but am a fan of Alfie Kohn), I did try to persuade her to use the potty with an offer of chocolate. That worked for Suzanne but its not working with Gabrielle. It was amusing -- I told her she could get 3 squares of chocolate (from a Hershey bar -- that would be 1/4 of a serving size to Henry) for using the potty. Not only did she refuse, later, when I asked if she wanted to use to potty without mentioning any rewards, she shouted "no chocolate!"

We shall see -- Suzanne was completely potty-trained at 3 and 2 months, maybe her sister will be the same. Maybe not.

The Power of Lazy Mothering

2005-08-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

Two-year-old Laura is mostly potty-trained, even through the night, but that hasn't come without some pain. She's so in tune with her body that she wakes up around 4 or 5 am each morning ready to show off her new toileting skills. Once she's up, five-year-old Anna soon follows. That's fine when Rick's in town--he gets up early to check email or go running, so he mostly takes care of them while I train for the Sleep Olympics. He traveled to LA this week so I'm left handling my early birds.

This morning I was just too groggy to deal at 4:30 am. I made sure Laura had access to a healthy breakfast: a Pop Tart--you know that the human body is especially sensitive to insulin in the morning so that's the optimum time to flood it with sugar, right? I left the box out for any other child that might wander into the kitchen in need of breakfast/sugar/artificial flavors. And then I wrapped myself in a soft blanket and dozed on the couch.

It's amazing to me how independent my kids can be when left alone. Anna and Laura worked together quietly on a Strawberry Shortcake sticker storybook I'd bought at Borders Books yesterday. Laura took a shower by herself and Anna helped her get dressed. Then Anna showered and got dressed. They didn't fight; they didn't disturb me. I got almost two extra hours of sleep. By 6:30 am, I was ready to get up and they were in good moods.

After I was awake here's what happened: Yelling. Pulling hair. Peeing on the chair. "Mom, Laura got pee-pee on my skirt!" Changing clothes. Bickering. "You a baby!" "I'm not a baby! Mom, Laura called me a baby!" Peeing on the couch. "Mom, Laura pee-peed on the couch!" Changing clothes. "More food, mommy!" "My plate's bigger than yours!" "Mom, Laura said her plate is bigger than mine!" "More kineapple, mommy!" "My plate bigger!"

They behaved better when I was asleep. What's up with that? Makes me think I am probably reinforcing their misbehavior somehow.

Hang Loose, Dude, It's Only a Sleepover

2005-08-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

We hosted Henry's first sleepover last week. I was a bit nervous, because I get a little crazy with extra kids in the house, but I wanted to reciprocate for the nice sleepover that Henry had at his friend D.'s house a couple weeks prior.

We ordered pizza and cheesy-bread. Afterwards, the boys played video games and the Game of Life. They stayed up until 9 pm and then I put them to bed: Henry in his room and D. using the bed in the au pair's room, since she was spending the night elsewhere. D. read for a while since he usually stays up later and Henry tried to go right to sleep. D. had trouble sleeping but eventually was able to. In the morning, we took everyone out to breakfast at Denny's. It seemed to have been a successful event. Not perfect, since D. had trouble sleeping and kept going to Henry's room to wake him up, but it seemed good enough.

Then, last night at karate class, Rick was cornered by D.'s dad. "Hey, I was really pissed off that D. and Henry didn't sleep in the same room. What kind of sleepover is that? Is my son not good enough to sleep with your son? They're supposed to be able to talk. That's what a sleepover is about." And so forth.

I felt shamed when Rick told me. I had tried hard to do a good job. My gut instinct said to have them sleep in separate rooms--the choice was either sleeping in the same bed in the au pair's room (it's a queen) or sleeping in separate rooms because I don't have two beds in one room. Henry has had many troubles sleeping and although my friends and I used to share a bed during sleepovers in my youth, we were older, maybe 12 or 14. I don't think nine-year-old boys need to stay up late talking. Also, Henry's not a big socializer anyway so I didn't see the benefit to having them in the same room. This father has a 14-year-old daughter, so I think he might be coming from a different perspective than I am, with Henry being my eldest, and a slow-to-socialize child at that. I take a gradual approach and figure if he and his friends want different (like to sleep in the same room), they'll bring it to me to consider.

So what do I do now? Call up this guy and defend myself? Ignore it? Here we are in this supposedly relaxed social environment and I get slammed instead of thanked for my hospitality. It wasn't very aloha, that's for sure.

Brainy Blogging

2005-08-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

Drs. Fernette and Brock Eide propose that blogging is good for the brain (via Kevin Drum). The Eides are neurolearning experts who focus mainly on children with learning difficulties. Their blog makes for tremendously interesting reading. For example, check out this recent post discussing Bill Gates' ideas about revamping education and offering their own research-based prescriptions for change which include dispensing with the age/grade-based approach that fails to meet different children's needs.

The Eides offer that blogs exercise the brain by:

Promoting critical and analytical thinking
Requiring creative, intuitive, and associational thinking
Encouraging thinking by analogy
Offering access to quality information
Combing solitary reflection with social interaction

Well, I'm convinced. Based on this and my recent revival as a blogger, I'm revamping my own blogging. I'm going to keep up my four blogs as follows:

EconoMom -- money, shopping, economics, career issues, balancing work and family, and maybe a little bit of politics
Chocolate and Peanut Butter -- playgroup conversation. Parenting, kids, education, and family life.
Barely Attentive -- personal growth and goals, Buddhism, yoga, anything new agey, personal whining.
The Everyday Cafe -- recipes, cooking, meal planning, and grocery shopping.

If I keep up with all that, my brain should stay in fine shape!

Montessori Math Manipulatives

2005-08-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

Another school year is about to start and I'm again thinking how much I love the Montessori approach. I like that classrooms are multi-age. Older kids can act as leaders and younger kids can learn from them. Cliques are less likely to develop than in a single grade classroom. Age is less important than developmental stage in determining what the kids work on. The Montessori approach allows for kids to go as fast or as slow as they need. I love it.

I am not, however, a huge fan of the Montessori equipment. It seems too fussy somehow. Now an article in Scientific American has given shape to my doubts. Judy DeLoache, a specialist in early cognitive development at the University of Virginia, writes about how children develop symbolic thinking. In her research, she's found that children learn to think symbolically over several years and that they make many errors during that development. Thinking symbolically requires understanding dual reprentation: seeing an object "both as itself and as depicting something else."

DeLoache discusses the educational ramifications:

Using blocks designed to help teach math to young children, we taught six- and seven-year-olds to do subtraction problems that require borrowing (a form of problem that often gives young children difficulty). We taught a comparison group to do the same but using pencil and paper. Both groups learned to solve the problems equally well--but the group using the blocks took three times as long to do so. A girl who used the blocks offered us some advice after the study: "Have you ever thought of teaching kids to do these with paper and pencil? It's a lot easier."

At the primary level (preschool through kindergarten, roughly ages 3 to 6), math manipulatives are used with great enthusiasm in Montessori classrooms. In elementary (ages 7 to 12) Montessori, manipulatives are used less often while paper and pencil work increases.

Here's a couple examples of disconnects I've seen between the materials and the math they represent:

Example 1. The binomial cube. This cube is intended to represent the equation (a+b)^3. My husband and I were introduced to it at parents' night last year at the elementary school. The linkage between the wooden cube and the algebraic equation is a huge leap, one the elementary teacher wasn't prepared to take. To me, it was much more complicated to understand the algebra with the manipulative than with written mathematical symbols. [If you're interested, here's an explanation of the binomial cube.]

Example 2. Square root with a peg board. Henry and I did a square root together using a board and pegs one day at school. While I understood immediately how to physically manipulate the material, the connection between the material and the math behind it was not easy for me to grasp. This may be because I have spent my entire mathematical education using symbols and not using manipulatives, other than a stint at age three with the Montessori chains for skip-counting. But I wonder how many kids quickly learn to manipulate the materials but don't make any sort of leap to the math behind it.

Disclaimer. I'm no expert! Just reporting on what I've seen of math manipulatives in Montessori. I'm also not arguing for doing pencil-and-paper work in preschool. The kids have fun with the Montessori materials. I'm skeptical about how much they really prepare them to do symbolic math but I'm in favor of the approach as a whole.

Ending, Beginning, Spiraling

2005-08-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

Ending: our dedicated and hard-working Thai au pair, Rose, will complete her two-year stint with us in September. I'm ready to move forward, given my last child has mostly passed through toddlerhood and is ready to become a preschooler. I'm terrible at babies and toddlers, but okay (I think) with preschoolers and older.

Best wishes to you, Rose; I hope you get everything you want and deserve.

Beginning: Another school year on Maui, this time with all three kids at the same Montessori school that I love so well.

Ending: I quit the online master's program I was pursuing in health education. It was pretty interesting but I've closed the door on doing anything in the health arena or on moving on to doctoral training. I had thought of nursing (was even about to begin a second-degree nursing program before we relocated to Maui). Then I thought about health education and behavior. That made me consider a Ph.D. in psychology or health economics or education, but finally, the blogosphere as well as my sister's own experiences making an academic career suggested to me that the payoff from a Ph.D. would not compensate for the investment required.

Spiraling: Back to software--I've decided that I'll refresh my technical skills and return to my first career in software development. There are jobs in software development in virtually every city we'd like to live in and I want to set an example for my girls of how a woman can succeed doing technical work.

Beginning: Blogging again, after a little hiatus.

Ending: Chocolate and Peanut Butter? Is it going to be just Chocolate or just Peanut Butter for now? I know that chocolate isn't the same without peanut butter and peanut butter is nothing on its own. However, I've not been motivated to blog lately and neither has Marjorie. But I'm not going to call an end to it yet. I'll just post less frequently and see what happens. It's been a great way to keep up with friends and family.

Spiraling: Maybe back to the Barely Attentive Mother, my first blog? I'm not going to have built-in childcare anymore so when the kids aren't in school I'll be seriously inattentive, as I polish my technical skills with some online programming skills. Plus, a summer without Buddhism has left me wanting, wanting, wanting instead of being, being, being.

Spiraling: My thighs, in yoga class, in less than twenty minutes. Aloha!

UPDATE 10:40 am. Woops. Yoga class starts at 11 am, not 10:45 am. So I can fit in one more very important spiraling.

Spiraling: Double-digit anniversary celebration at a fancy inn, this Saturday night. This time, for our eleventh, we're going to the Hotel Hana Maui. Last year, for our tenth, we went to the Inn at Little Washington in Washington, Virginia. How great to be able to take an island vacation without even hopping a plane!

Potty Blogging, Again

2005-08-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

If you couldn't already figure out that I have nothing to say based on my lack of recent posts, now you will be convinced. I am going to write about potty training again. This is what gives mom-blogging a bad name, but I know there are many bloggers out there with twoish and threeish and fourish kids who might be interested.

We started two-year-old Laura in undies a few weeks back. She sat on the big toilet (with a little kids' toilet seat on top) a few times but then started refusing to try, even when I offered m&ms. This is the child who wakes up and says, "more food, mommy!" as though her life is just one unending cycle of eating punctuated by other less important activities. I guess she was getting a little scared of the big, bad toilet. Somehow she got in her mind that she needed a little potty--a "purper potty." Her favorite color is purple. Her second favorite color is orange.

KMart didn't have a purple and orange potty. But they did have a pink and purple one, a Disney Princess one, of course. I paid my twenty bucks and she immediately began using it regularly. In fact, she has switched almost entirely to undies now. She refuses to wear diapers even at night. I pleaded with her a couple nights ago because I didn't want to get woken up in the middle of the night to change sheets but this only hardened her resolve. Maybe that's part of the key to potty-training a two-year-old--make her think you don't want her out of diapers. I guess she knew better than I did how ready she was: she slept through last night and the night before without an accident. Unfortunately, Laura doesn't yet realize that she needs to hit that purper potty immediately upon getting up.

My diaper days are virtually over! So no more potty blogging.

Coming to a Theatre Near You: Barbie Zero

2005-07-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

Anna's been diligently working over the past couple weeks on "Barbie Zero" the first in a series of films about Barbie and her paramour Bryan. What about Ken, you ask? We don't have a Ken doll. We have a Ryan doll, and Anna translated this into Bryan.

Let me tantalize you with the first scene from Barbie Zero...

Two attractive dolls are wandering around on the coffee table. They see each other and shake hands.
Barbie: Hi, my name's Barbie.
Bryan: Hi, I'm Bryan.
Barbie: Want to get married tomorrow?
Bryan: Okay!
Barbie: See you tomorrow!
Bryan: Bye!

Where does a four-year-old get this stuff? I suppose from the Disney princess movies where the main goal in life is to meet and marry a handsome man. That's an easy target for ridicule except that being married is associated with higher levels of health and happiness. As long as you don't put all your hopes and happiness in long-term love, I think it's a worthy goal to aim for.

Birthday Party Bliss

2005-07-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I ordered Madagascar plates, napkins, cups, and favor boxes from Birthday Express. Bought supplies for paper bag puppets. Made a list of kids to invite. Steeled myself for birthday party madness.

And then... Anna announced she just wants to have a family party. She only wants to invite my friend C. and C.'s two-year-old son.

Oh joy! Oh joy! Oh joy!

No map to make; no invitations to send out; no mad rushing around on birthday party morn to get balloons. No worrying that we'll either have more attendees than favor boxes or no attendees at all.

Can I really take her at her word? Are the birthday police going to come arrest me for lazy and anti-social mothering?

The Mommy Foul

2005-07-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

I think I may have been a perpetrator. The Mommy Foul is what happens when a moms tries to direct the actions of another mom's child, especially when said child's mother is there. I've been a victim, too, so I'll start with an example.

I was on a field trip to the cathedral with my kids. As we were walking through the doors into the cathedral, I was opening my mouth to remind Suzanne that we were going into a church and we must behave properly -- be quiet and no running, the idea being that we are reverent to God. Before I could say a word, the organizer of the field trip said this to Suzanne -- it was not a general announcement to the other kids (of which there were none other than her kids, who never run, anywhere, ever). Now, she's not even a church-goer, so I was doubly annoyed. However, she organizes lovely field trips and just happens to have a more controlling personality than I do (hard to believe). I let it slide, probably because, being a church-goer, I am prone to exercise forgiveness (pipe down, I can hear your laughter). And I'm used to this from her -- she is a frequent Mommy Fouler.

Okay, so that was a foul on me.

Here's my foul, though I maintain it was justified. We're at the pool today and my girls were playing beautifully with another little girl, filling a pail with water. The other girl's mom smiled at me. A little boy comes wandering over and picks up another pail, fills it with water, and starts pouring in on the girls' heads. The other girl's mom and I again exchanged looks, unhappy at the interloper. The boy's mother told him to stop and he seemed to ignore her (he had earplugs in his ears to keep out the water) and she sighed heavily. The boy stopped for a bit and went elsewhere. Peace was restored.

The boy came back, this time he flung a toy that nearly hit Gabrielle in the head and then he poured more water over Gabrielle's head. The mother of the other girl seemed shocked. I was not about to sit around sighing heavily because the boy did not listen to his mother. I got up and said to the boy (loudly because of his earplugs), 'please don't pour water on her, she doesn't like it.' That got the mom's attention; she must not have seen the toy flung, because that was worse than the water pouring, in my opinion.

The mom came over and admonished her son for pouring water. Then she made some sort of defense to me that he had earplugs and some other excuse about his behavior. I said only "it was the third time he poured water on her" and otherwise ignored her. I think she was annoyed with me but she eventually got over it. If you're going to be ineffectual, prepare to be fouled.

That said, I don't think we can control our kids, especially very young children -- we can teach them not to harm others or property, we can expect some courtesies, but a lot of things are just beyond their understanding and ability. I have two daughters, I think moms of boys tend to be more laid back because this principle is made obvious to them so early in their sons' lives.

Dads don't seem to be as constrained as Moms -- I've seen some pretty harsh Daddy fouls. My favorite was when one kid was pushing by a younger child on a pool ladder. The younger child's dad was right there and plucked the older kid off the ladder saying that his child was climbing it. It was an egregious Daddy foul but it matched the kid's egregious behavior (he was old enough to know better). I envied and admired that Dad's guts. Moms tend to be so nice and chirpy when they ask a child not to attack their child. I'm not that nice -- not anymore. If the mom isn't handling it, I'm the hammer.

Weekend Trip to Japan

2005-07-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

We went to Japan, er, I mean Oahu this past weekend. But it sure seemed like Japan. The shops at the hotel where we stayed catered to Japanese tourists, I think... the hair salon was called "Beauty Salon Classy" and the sandwich shop was "Trivial Deli." I'm just assuming that in Japanese translation those names have some appeal. We went to the upscale Honolulu mall and found ourselves surrounded by Asians; most looked Japanese to my untrained eye. Neiman Marcus and Macy's were joined by a Japanese department store of which I've forgotten the name--I didn't take the opportunity to shop there because I had just 45 minutes to run through Ann Taylor and Sephora for the first time in nine months. I saw very few Pacific Islanders and even fewer haoles--that's Hawaiian for foreigner, but it's used to refer to mainland white people.

When I went to Kauai a couple months ago, I didn't feel a satisfied sense of "I'm home" upon returning to Maui. But visiting Honolulu made me appreciate Maui and I was happy to fly back after just three days of pseudo-mainland life. There were a few high points: our fabulous panoramic ocean view at the Ilikai resort, hot and fresh malasadas (Portuguese hole-free donuts covered in granulated sugar) from Leonard's Bakery, and enjoying a bunch of water slides with Henry, Anna, and Laura at the water park. We had a nice lunch on arrival at California Pizza Kitchen which was, for a long time, the only restaurant that Henry liked. There's no CPK on Maui. There were some serious low points too. I slipped on a walkway at the water park and banged my head hard on the concrete. I'm left with a persistent headache and whiplash; thank goodness the current treatment for soft tissue injuries to the neck is not immobilization in a goofy collar. Worse, for twenty terrifying minutes I lost Anna because of a dumb comment I made that led her to decide she could take care of herself. And on the plane trip home, I was almost smothered by a large tourist who sat next to me.

We had an excellent dinner at Outback, but I could have done that on Maui, because there's one not ten minutes away. I loved the slab of salmon they served me and Henry eats their steaks--what an achievement for a kid who used to eat pasta, pasta, and more pasta. I haven't had much salmon since we moved out here. I used to get it frozen at Trader Joe's and served it once a week but there's no Trader Joe's here or on Oahu. The Costco frozen salmon tastes weirdly fishy. If Oahu wants to be mainland-like, they need a Trader Joe's and a Whole Foods and a Target. And if they're going to have Ann Taylor, they should have Ann Taylor Loft. I'm too cheap to pay $52 for shorts.

I aim to visit as many of the Hawaiian islands as I can while we live here. I've already visited Kauai, Oahu, and, obviously, Maui. I need to go to the Big Island, Molokai, and Lanai. It would be quite a feat if I could get onto Ni'ihau--that island near Oahu is privately owned. Only the native Hawaiian residents, the owners, and guests of the residents can visit. Kaho'olawe, which I can almost see when I go to our rooftop deck, is uninhabited. So practically speaking, I am halfway finished with my tour through the Hawaiian islands.

I'm Back

2005-07-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

Howdy -- I was off teaching Vacation Bible School last week, which is why I didn't post -- I was too darned tired. Anne knew that but I just thought I'd share the reason with our dear readers. I've come to the conclusion that involvement in such kiddie activities is not for me.

VBS is well run; the administrators are models of efficiency; and its a great opportunity to meet other moms and dads. But the whole schoolish environment is not my bag and I'm not good at it. Suzanne adjusted to it at the end pretty well, but I just don't see it as necessary and the opportunity cost is not worth it to me.

Though there was one year I really enjoyed VBS [yes, another Ode to Anne is coming], it was when I helped Anne in the kindergarten classroom three years ago. It felt a lot like re-living sorority rush -- not that that was something I'd need to re-live, but the decorations and uniform t-shirts and happy, bright, cheery songs reminded me of rush. "Come little rushie, listen to me, Christ-i-anity is the religion for me." Anyway, working with a good friend is the way to do these types of things. Unfortunately, none of my good friends will teach with me....I wonder why?

No matter, I'm learning to take experiences for what they are and look at what they teach me rather than try to judge them as good or bad. Perhaps my Eastern philosophical bent these days points out that plugging Christianity to kids is not my talent. Of course, I don't think this line of thinking is purely Eastern, Jesus has a lot to say about not judging things as well, but sometimes I 'hear' better when I read it elsewhere.

Oh yeah, Suzanne was asking me about death the other day. I think I bumbled it a bit. I've put a request in at our library for the book The Next Place. I have no idea if this book will be helpful, but its very gentle. Any suggestions are welcome.

You Know You Live in Hawaii When...

2005-06-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

... you see an article titled "Spam can help prod people to better health" and you think it's talking about the Spam that comes 10 for $10 on sale at Safeway. Now that we live on Maui, Rick takes Spam sandwiches in his lunch bag and he recently discovered Spam Musubi--a kind of Spam sushi involving grilled Spam on top of sticky rice wrapped with nori. Hawaiians have the highest SPAM consumption rate in the world: four cans per person per year. Just another way in which moving to Maui has expanded my perspective.

Individual Noncompetitive Sports

2005-06-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

Anna went to her second gymnastics class today, reluctantly. She told me she would only watch. I'm a pro at handling shy/anxious kids after raising Henry to age nine so I told her, "that's fine, we'll go and watch and if it looks like fun, you can give it a try." In the second half of class, she decided to join in for the balance beam. I know it was scary for her but she was exhilarated when she was finished. I love watching kids working through their fears. The only thing that marred it was her otherwise very nice coach saying as she gave Anna a sticker, "next time you need to work the whole time so you can EARN a sticker."

I think Anna did earn a sticker--it was a major achievement to get out there despite her anxiety. It's not like the sticker is an "A" grade or something allegedly based on merit.

Anyway, I love watching the various gymnastics class that take place while Anna's four and five-year-old group has their class. There's the three-year-olds--not too interesting. The older kids interest me. There's a group of four to five teenagers each week, a few girls and one boy. I noticed a heavier girl for the first time this week and wondered how she'd do. She was great! She had excellent form and did all the tricks--back flips, back handsprings--unlike some leaner kids in the class. She made me realize I don't need to lose ten pounds before I can do a handstand in yoga. Darn, I was counting on that excuse.

Then there were the elementary school age boys. One was kind of heavy; another so skinny he looked like he had no muscle mass at all. The thin one had coke-bottle glasses too. But they all gamely completed their versions of round-offs and cartwheels and even back handsprings, with a lot of help from the coach. There was no making fun of each other, just a lot of hard work, even though some of the kids were struggling awkwardly.

In most of the gymnastics classes, the point is not to become a world-famous gymnast. Of course there are children who are talented and driven and working towards something like that. But most of them are just there having fun and challenging themselves, not competing with anyone.

I'm a real fan of individual sports, especially of the just-for-fun not-for-competition variety. I know team sports have their place--they develop the ability to work with other people for a common goal and involve more socializing. And I know competitive individual sports have their merits. But I'm happy enough to have my kids stick with casual gymnastics and karate and the like for the rest of their childhoods.

Friends

2005-06-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to link to a post on Donna's blog that I really enjoyed about friends. She mentions how it seems like its harder to make friends as we get older. I agree -- it seemed so easy long ago. Then again, maybe it really wasn't any easier.

Anyway, I often think in terms of 'time and place' friends and real friends. T&P friends are those people we share time and place with but the friendship fades soon after the time and/or place changes. I had some really nice friends from my various places of work -- I really enjoyed them, but didn't keep up with any of them. I had some new mom friends that seem to have faded away. Life goes on, I'm glad I shared time and place with them but things change and I made new friends, some T&P, but some maybe be in for the long haul.

It makes me really appreciate my husband, who is my best friend and (barring some indescretion which would ruin his life and cost him a lot of money) with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. But, he's not a girl and I need girlfriends, too. I really cherish the friends I have -- how lucky I am. Life is a lot less lonely when you've got friends.

I guess this post is just a note of affection to Anne, with whom I shared time and place -- but whose friendship is continuing beyond that. I'm lucky to have you.

Chastised! Episode II: Revenge of the Pith

2005-06-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my last post in which I was chastised by a stranger for using sarcasm with my child. While there was probably nothing worthwhile I could have said to my critic, I am now in the process of considering pithy responses. Today's incident was not a Costanza moment for me ("oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!"). I would never want to actually say any of these but its sure empowering for me to think about it.

Responses to "children don't understand sarcasm":

"Shouldn't we do something about that?"
"Oh, was I being sarcastic with my kids?"
"They would if you used sarcasm as much as I do"
"How else am I supposed to entertain myself?"
"Thats nothing, you should hear me at home."
"Hey, I'm not coddling my kids. Its a tough world out there."
"You're assuming I want them to understand what I'm saying."
"Oh, and I guess I shouldn't tell her when she's being a bitch either."
"Oh dear, and I really thought I was a shoo-in for Mother of the Year"
"Its alright, I'm a homeschooler."

Responses to any unsolicited parenting advice:

"That which doesn't kill them, makes them stronger."
"Don't worry, the State has already assigned a social-worker to monitor our family."

Have a pithy comeback ? Share it here!

UPDATE: I'm having too much fun with this, I keep thinking of additional responses

"I'll take it under advisement." -- legalese for 'screw you'

"Thanks for the advice, you will now be mocked on the internet."

"I was raised with sarcasm and I turned out fine."

Chastised!

2005-06-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

We went on a field trip today to the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. I love the cathedral and have visited many times -- my brother was even ordained there. The field trip was through a homeschooling field trip group to which we belong -- all homeschooled kids from babies to about 6.

When I go into public with my kids, I feel like Greg Focker in the water volleyball scene from the movie Meet the Parents. They are playing volleyball and he keeps missing or flubbing shots and everyone gives him a hard time about it -- he finally gets mad and spikes a shot -- it hits the bride-to-me right in the face. "Its only a game, Focker" is derisively yelled at him. He can't win. When I'm out with my kids, I can't win -- I'm either too uptight and people give me the vibe that I need to relax or I'm too relaxed and I encounter uptight people who want me to rein in the kids. I don't really enjoy going out in public when its just me and the kids because of this -- plus, its exhausting, but I joined the group because my girls like it and maybe I can learn how to behave. When my DH is home, we often go out but that's a different dynamic -- I have a helper and an ally.

At the end of our field trip, we went into the gift shop. I was worried about my kids and breakable things but my kids are not destructive so I wasn't too worried. There were some toys my kids were looking at, but I moved them along so I could look at some sale books.

An older woman sidles up to me as I'm thumbing through a picture book. She says something along the lines of "kids don't understand sarcasm. I know because I'm a grandmother. Its a big 'no-no.'" I don't know what I said to her, maybe something like "oh, okay." I was trying to think of what I had said that was sarcastic. I figured I was already being sanctioned for being a bad mom and that admitting that I had no idea what I had said would be further evidence of bad mothering. I was also thinking that my oldest is beginning to learn what sarcasm is because we've discussed it. Only about 40 minutes earlier, she had actually asked me "mom, are you being sarcastic?" Again, I thought this is probably evidence of bad mothering since it would show that whatever sarcasm I had just used was not an isolated incident. Thus, I went with "oh, okay."

I seriously picked my brain for the next hour trying to identify what sarcasm I used. I think it might have been when my younger DD was looking at some soft, stacking blocks and she showed them to me. I said something about them being nice and maybe I said "just what I need, more toys in the house" or something to that effect. I'd also argue that I wasn't actually saying it to the child, but I'm guessing that muttering sarcastic comments around the kids is another bad mother indicator.

I agree that belittling comments are not to be used with children and that can include a certain kind of pointed, mean sarcasm. My sarcasm tends to be light-hearted and along the lines of "oh, just what I need." I also talk to myself -- out loud -- a lot. I know I've used it at home when my DH is around and he lets me know when I'm out of line, so I think I'm okay, but I'm interested to know what you think.

Oh well, its probably karma from the non-pregnant woman incident.

More Potty Blogging

2005-06-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

Kristen on toilet training in the nude.

What Do I Think?

2005-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

What do you care? I can't help but feel this post is an exercise in narcissism because it seems like we have better things to discuss here. Since I raised the issue of feeling misunderstood about my educational philosophy, perhaps its time for me to explain where I'm coming from. I come from the position that prepositions are perfectly acceptable words to end a sentence with. (Seriously, there is a great controversy on that very matter but nevermind).

I plan to homeschool my kids. My oldest just turned 5 and I'll be filing my Notice of Intent to homeschool her for kindergarten in the fall -- we didn't send her to preschool. We don't plan to send my younger dd to preschool. We're taking it year by year and we'll do what works best for our children.

There are lots of reasons why we've made this decision but the first and foremost was that we wanted freedom. We don't want to be tied down to the school day, the school year, or a curriculum that might not suit our children's needs -- whether it is too fast, too slow, or simply not interesting to them. I know the counter-arguments and we've made our choice carefully. We plan to take an interest driven, literature based, multisensory, autodidactic approach. Basically, follow our kids interests by getting lots of books and videos on subjects that interest them and by doing activities that they suggest. This is also called unschooling. So far, so good.

I was raised in the public school system and did well and enjoyed it. I think its fine and it works. I also understand why parents choose private schools and I'm especially fond of the Montessori and Waldorf philosophies.

Anyone who is interested in learning more about homeschooling is welcome to page through the archives of my other blog, unclimber; leave a comment; or e-mail me. I'd like to note that my views on education are evolving. A year ago I was quite strident (this is obvious if you read old posts on unclimber). Thank goodness I did not end up destroying my friendship with Anne over it -- though I may have annoyed her and others with my views. Anyway, thanks for sticking around.

It's Potty Time!

2005-06-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

My youngest has been accepted into preschool after a grueling interview where she had to move some wooden blocks around then carry them back to their shelf.

Yay! On October 16th, 2005, all my children will be in school! This is a milestone I have been dreaming of for years. I want my kids out of the house as soon as institutionally possible.

The catch: two-year-old Laura must be potty-trained. So next Monday we begin. She's already started taking her diaper off at random intervals and sitting on her Blue's Clues tiny toilet seat that fits on top of the big toilet. On Monday she'll be wearing training pants and making little puddles all around the house. The rental house. Now there's a benefit to being out of the housing market.

By "training pants" I don't mean Pull-Ups or other Huggies/Pampers/Safeway generic imposter. Pull-Ups don't keep the wetness right against the skin. The training pants I have are thick cotton with a liner in the middle. They keep the pee-pee right where it needs to be. Sort of. A lot of it comes out onto the floor. It's a real mess, but it's the fastest way I know to jumpstart toilet training.

For more delightful potty training reading, here are Julia and Suzanne. They have boys, and in my vast experience of training one boy and one girl to go to the potty, boys resist it more. I hate it when moms of one boy and one girl use their experience to pronounce on gender differences: "boys and girls really are different! My Dakota is so verbal and docile while Texas runs all over the place making everything into guns!" So don't take my word for it. I'm sure there are plenty of boys out there who potty-trained at two without requiring a $50 Thomas the Tank Engine roundhouse to do so. I'm sure there are girls who at age five were still rushing home from preschool to put on a Pull-Up and have their daily bowel movement. I've never heard of them though.

In two weeks I'll probably be singing a different tune, like "get me a Costco-sized bag of M&Ms and a Summertime Barbie, stat!" After authentic training pants, what's the key to potty training? In a word: bribes.

[Edited 6/19 to remove my reference to Marjorie's decision to homeschool.]

Maternal Mortification

2005-06-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

We went to the grocery store today and we were in line at the check out. I've unloaded my groceries and am waiting while the woman in front of me completes her transaction. She's a mom with a 2-year-old on her hip -- like me, only I've got a 5 year-old in the grocery cart as well. Her outfit looks carefully chosen (unlike mine) and she has a cute little pink and green handbag that looks like it would have come out of the pages of Prep if the novel had been illustrated.

My 5 year-old, who is closer to this woman than to me, says to me, "Mommy, that lady looks pregnant."

Oh my goodness. Knowing that I was fully present in the moment and wanting desperately for the moment to pass without further ado, I said nothing.

The woman said in a friendly/sarcastic way "Thanks."

The most I could do was scrunch up my eyebrows at Suzanne as if she had said the most bizarre thing I had ever heard in my life. I don't know what my expression actually conveyed -- I don't think I scowled and I might have had a slight smile that might have said "don't kids say the darndest things?" I hope not -- I was trying to communicate that the idea was so absurd that it needed no respone. But basically, I couldn't think of a thing to say to make the situation better and was pretty sure that anything I said would make it worse. Reflecting on it, I think it was the way to go, if I tried to correct Suzanne, she would have argued her point.

The woman didn't look pregnant, but she was a bit lumpy and her clothing style did not conceal the lumps. Her tummy was rounded and if she had been pregnant, it would have been pretty early in the pregnancy -- Suzanne would have definitely argued her point and might even have been persuasive.

Afterwards, I tried to explain to Suzanne that one never makes any comment about a woman looking pregnant. I even tried to tell her that such comments were interpreted by the person to mean that you thought they look fat. I don't think she got it. But maybe she understood enough to not say anything in the future.

Its karma -- I can recall asking my mother about a woman's facial mole in an elevator. The woman was really nice about it -- she said that lots of children found it interesting. I remember thinking that I didn't find it interesting, that I found it ugly -- luckily for my mom, I did not say that part out loud. She was embarrassed enough as it was. The next occasion was when I saw a Hindu woman, I asked my mom later about the forehead marking and I recall her thanking me for waiting until we were alone to ask. So, by the law of karma, this should be the only instance of my child embarrassing me -- right?

How do you handle such situations? I've got this feeling that my karma has not been fully expiated and I should be prepared for the future.

Vacation Reading Post Mortem

2005-06-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the beach -- we had a great time, I love Hilton Head, but its really nice to be home.

My husband's prediction was wrong, I was able to do quite a bit of reading. I don't read on the beach but I read back at the house and found plenty of snatches of time to finish two books (much of my reading was done during car rides). I read Prep and Lotus in the Fire.

I liked and didn't like Prep. I enjoyed entering the world of high school again. What I didn't like was the narrator, Lee. I didn't dislike Lee, I just didn't get her -- I knew I was in for a tough ride when she skipped the first dance of the school year. I love dances and went to as many as I could. I understood the awkwardness and social shyness of her for her first couple of years, but they grated on my in the second half of the book.

What I really didn't get was why she wanted to go to boarding school -- its explained in the book in drips and drabs but it didn't ring true for me -- she seemed to get along well enough with her parents and she kept hinting at her misery at school. Why didn't she just drop out and go to her local high school? The reasons given were unconvincing to me. But I'm a very different person from Lee, I'm not terribly extroverted, but more so than her, so maybe an introvert would really enjoy the book. What I found most disappointing about the story was that it didn't seem like there was anything positive about her boarding school experience -- it did not seem to catapult her into a different world, though it might have, she doesn't tell us much about her adult life though she does tell about what happened to some of the other characters. It just struck me as a lot of pain without any sort of pay-off. I hope someone comments on this, I'd love to read some comments by people who had a different take on her.

I liked Lotus in the Fire though the book was stilted. Its a spiritual autobiography about a man's ordeal with leukemia. I liked the way it gave me some background about Zen buddhism within the context of a story -- to me it was more digestible than to read a nonfiction book about Zen. I would like to have seen more things developed and more information given -- this man suffered a lot but his descriptions of the treatments and reactions were choppy, as were other mundane details that would have helped flesh out the story.

The discussion of suffering and its relationship to karma, particularly expiating of karma, was very interesting to me. I've yet to encounter a satisfactory answer to the question of why suffering occurs -- this is the closest I've gotten. The idea is that somewhere along the line, perhaps in past lives, you have done things that have resulted in the suffering you encounter in your present life; karma is the law of cause and effect. While this is a bit close to the idea that those who suffer deserve there suffering, I find it distinguishable because how can you control or even feel guilty for what you did in a past life? Of course, this presupposes a belief in reincarnation. I don't believe in reincarnation and I don't not believe in it. I just don't know what happens after we die and though some might seem quite certain of what happens, they don't know either.

Anyway, Zen buddhism, something to ponder, especially since I seem to have grown a bit tired of Christianity. No, I'm not converting, just looking for the truths out there.

A Milestone: Sleepaway Camp

2005-06-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

My nine-year-old Henry went on an overnight camping trip with his Montessori class yesterday. He's Mr. Anxious but I think I was much more worked up than he was. He has sleeping problems verging on OCD-like symptoms and I didn't know just what might happen in a different environment. But he was cheery if tired when I picked him up at school today. When asked how it went, he said "great!" and told me about the s'mores, about picking out a cabin with his buddies, and about noticing that his toe was all bloody at one point. He hadn't noticed when he injured it, so he must have been having a good time. He took his stuffed animals Whitey, a bunny, and Blackie, a little scottie dog, with him and didn't report any problems. That's something I love about his school.

My first experience at sleep away camp stands out in my mind, and not because it was pleasant. I went to a girl scout camp with my troop when I was maybe eight. I think I must have been eight, because at nine my parents sent me off to a month-long camp in Estes Park, Colorado. What a nightmare for an introverted and bookish child. Okay, I did enjoy daily snacks and I liked best of all to stay in camp--we were known as "in-camp weenies" if we signed up for arts and crafts, archery, riflery or other non-hiking, non-horseback riding activities. But the cliques and the end-of-session "citizenship" (read: popularity) awards made me feel pathetic and alone. Now that I'm thirty-seven and in charge of my own social life, I don't put myself in social situations that engender such feelings any more.

Oh, but back to my first time at sleepaway camp. We went for a week and my tent included a girl who was retarded. That's all I remember, the mentally retarded girl. Now it has much more resonance, knowing, as I do, parents who struggle with their special needs children. But then it just felt like some horror visited on me, because she leapt around on our cots and grabbed and hugged us when we least expected it. I'm an introvert. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME UNLESS YOU KNOW ME VERY WELL! Perhaps she would now be diagnosed as autistic--Henry suffered the attentions of an autistic boy who had been mainstreamed into his elementary class last year before we moved.

I am so relieved Henry's experience at sleepaway camp was positive.

Diana wrote about measuring the advancement of time in different ways in a lovely essay that you should go read right now. And then you can ponder too how life repeats itself, but not exactly, and we never know exactly what will happen to our children, but we know that through their lives we can understand our own better. Because having children is just a way to learn about ourselves right? Yeah, I know I shouldn't be using them just as instruments for my own betterment. But sometimes that's the thing I like best about being a mother.

A Depressing Topic

2005-06-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

My dad sent me the book Against Depression last week just as I hit a little patch of irritability and displeasure verging on a mini-depression. The book is by Peter Kramer, author of Listening to Prozac. In Against Depression, Kramer passionately argues for depression as disease not as temperament or bad attitude.

Don't we all know it already? "Depression is a chemical imbalance." But Kramer says that the chemical imbalance myth of depression doesn't go quite far enough in capturing the dysfunction of the depressed brain. If you looked inside a depressed person's head you wouldn't just see a dearth of serotonin or other happy-making molecules, he says. You'd see disordered and disorganized neurons in the prefrontal cortex and you'd see a shrinking hippocampus. The prefrontal cortex helps people motivate and plan. The hippocampus responds to stress. In depression, the body is permanently stuck in the stress response, unable to plan a way out of it. To Kramer, depression is too often a one-way ticket to hell.

Do I believe Kramer? I don't know what I believe. I have always held to the theory of depression as a bad attitude. I've suffered periods in my life that might have been considered major depression. But more likely they might have included just a couple symptoms from the diagnostic criteria for major depression. Kramer argues that even a low level of depression reflects brain malfunction and creates risk for problems down the line. He suggests that we don't think of having a touch of arthritis as being okay. We shouldn't think it's okay to be a bit depressed either.

I find Kramer's book kind of depressing. It reminds me of what my own depressive symptoms have taken away from my life. Whether the symptoms are my fault or not doesn't really matter--the harm has been done. The book has suggested to me that I may need to revisit my stance against anti-depressant medication. It seems noble to work through your problems without turning to the pharmacy. There's a sense in our society that too many people are taking too many anti-depressants. But conventional wisdom is often wrong. Maybe not enough people are taking them. Maybe I need to be taking them.

Coming Attractions

2005-06-01T17:23:00.000-07:00

As previously noted, I've seen Revenge of the Sith. It was the first movie my DH and I have seen in a theater in years. We think that Memento was the last time we were in a theater.

What an awesome experience! I loved the stadium seating and the huge screen -- I was getting sick of theaters where you feel you're sitting in someone's garage. I felt like I got my money's worth.

I love previews. I think Steve Martin looks like he'll be a hysterical Inspector Clouseau in a Pink Panther remake -- I haven't seen much of Peter Sellers, so I don't think I'm tainted. Best exchange -- 'it was fatal.' "How fatal?" (Quizzical look) 'Completely.'

While I'm not inclined to like Mr. and Mrs. Smith because of the aroma of adultery surrounding its filming, I did not know that Vince Vaughn is in it. This changes things -- I really love his voice. Doubt we'll see it, even on video, but the preview had a great line by Vince after Brad Pitt tells him his wife is trying to kill him. Something along the lines of "they all do it, slowly, day by day, bit by bit." No, really, his wife is an assassin. Can anyone say Prizzi's Honor?

But, but....I may just have to get back into the theater to watch JRR Tolkien get his comeuppance -- Narnia is coming out and it looks like they are leaving room for a series. When I was an young-un, an animated version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe scared the hell out of me (he he). Well, with Tilda Swinton as the White Witch, how can I resist? And yet, the whole occultish looking sacrifice of Aslan may keep me away.... Bet Robbo's gonna see it.

Revenge of the Sith

2005-06-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

Loved it. I think I'm not supposed to, I think I'm supposed to be disappointed in the wooden acting and implausible plot-lines. Sorry, loved it. Personally, I don't think the originals were that much better, I think its the passing of a few decades that makes us more discriminating. Okay, enough, I don't need to defend myself here.

But I will explain myself -- I loved the fundamental question -- how does one become evil? I originally thought the story might be something along the lines of what might have happened if Jesus had taken the Devil up on his temptations before he began his Earthly ministry (yeah, that Bible thing I mentioned). I thought it would be more like Anakin deciding he didn't want to fulfill the prophecy and save the galaxy, that he'd rather have power. It wasn't really like that, though. It was more about the perversion of love/attachment and how it can blinding it can be.

I totally loved Yoda doing the Buddhist priest thing with Anakin, who is definitely more Western in his thinking. You must let go Yoda says essentially. Wasn't working for Ani, he was more interested in keeping what he had.

I also liked the moral ambiguities throughout and I found Anakin's choice to be plausible. That he became such a dedicated disciple to the dark side so quickly was a bit mind-boggling, but if you're going to pledge allegiance to a murderer, you'd better do it full force -- there is no half-way there.

BTW, I took three years of Latin in high school and I always think of that when I hear Yoda putting his verbs at the end of his sentences. I haven't taken any other foreign languages, perhaps, as well, they do it.

Book Meme

2005-06-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged for my first meme by dgm. Oh my goodness, I don't think it was my first tag, I think Robbo over at llamabutchers tagged me with something awhile ago but I didn't see it until several weeks after he posted it and I never did it.... Oooo that must make me a terrible person. I think it had to do with music and I was untimely and uninspired. Sorry about that Robbo, but you're still my favorite arch-conservative (Daddy's my favorite conservative, but I don't think he's arch).

1. Total number of books owned.
Hmmm...maybe a couple hundred but I try to weed them regularly. I love selling them to a used book store for credit and I donate others. We do have tons of children's books -- I'm addicted and most were purchased for a dime apiece at used book sales.

2. Last book bought.
It feels like a lie because it was 'bought' using store credit from the aforementioned used book store, but I am Charlotte Simmons.

3. Last book read.
The Lovely Bones -- nope, not one to pride myself on reading currently popular materials.

4. Five books that mean a lot to me.
These are my first grasps at some of my favorites from my adult life.
1) The Bible -- I'm not currently reading it, but I spent three years taking a Bible study. I've read maybe about half of it -- lots of Old Testament but I've only read half the Gospels and a few epistles. Not a thumper anymore, but definitely a book that means a lot to me.
2) To Kill a Mockingbird
3) From sheer volume, I'd have to say Jackie Collins books. How else would I know what a 'Binaca blast' is?
4) Teach Your Own, Learning All the Time, How Children Fail -- by John Holt. As my DH says, 'we drank the homeschooling kool-aid.'
5) Moo by Jane Smiley

Am I supposed to pass this on? I could barely complete it myself....

House-keeping

2005-06-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know that we're leaving for the beach on Saturday. Any tips for easing a 10 hour car ride with small children will be appreciated. Oh, while were at it -- is it a really bad thing to give your children allergy medicine even when their allergies aren't bothering them? They sleep so well on the meds and it seems harmless. I've yet to take this step but always think about it... I had a friend who did that for a long plane trip -- it worked great on the first leg of the trip but made the kid hyper on the second leg.

UPDATE on summer reading. We acquired both Prep and I am Charlotte Simmons (for links see my earlier post). We seem to have very little interest in either. I recently read The Lovely Bones -- yes, I know I'm way behind. I really liked it. I'm now reading Lotus in the Fire, The Healing Power of Zen. Not a terribly well-written book, but its kind of interesting about a former Catholic turned Zen Buddhist and how he deals with a serious illness. My DH, when I told him about the author and who himself was raised Catholic, quipped that he's 'in remission.'

I really hate packing.

Your Take on Television and Computer Usage

2005-05-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed the discussion about Santa Claus and other mythical beings generated by Marjorie's post The Tooth Fairy and Other Lies so I thought I'd toss out another controversial topic for moms and dads to consider: screen time (meaning the TV, the computer, and video games) and your kids.

Jody of Raising WEG doesn't let her triplets watch TV; that's courageous. I am excited to have found a book that (persuasively, I think) argues that video games and TV are not all bad--they can improve the cognitive skills of children and adults. We have fairly liberal screen time rules, but I have a hard time living by them anyway: I blog way more than I'm allowed and with my babysitter out this week, my two-year-old has been introduced to all sorts of shows she never knew existed. I dread when Rose (our au pair) returns and Laura starts saying "I want dragons!" to watch Dragon Tales.

So what do you think? What's your position on TV watching, computer usage, and video game playing? Work of the devil? Mama or Papa's savior? Good as an occasional treat? And why? What's bad about them in your mind? What's good?

And are there any programs or games that you think are particularly worthwhile? I love my nine-year-old's computer game Zoombinis Logical Journey: it's filled with logical puzzles wrapped up in a fun adventure. I think Between the Lions works well for children developing early reading skills. I like SpongeBob SquarePants for its clever humor. The drawing program KidPix lets even preschoolers make fabulous and creative pictures and slide shows on the computer. Those are some of my overall favorites, but I find value in a bunch of others too. Four-year-old Anna has been diligently printing out horses from her My Little Pony PlayPack CD and then cutting, coloring, and gluing them together. It keeps her busy in a productive way. Unfortunately, the theme song for the Little Pony CD seems to be better suited to an insane asylum than a household... which makes it perfect for us.

Share your thoughts!

Another Pantry Dinner: Pesto Chicken Pasta

2005-05-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

I made another good pantry dinner this past week: Pesto Chicken Pasta. The recipe's up at my food blog The Everyday Cafe.

Death of a Fish

2005-05-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad awful day. Sugar ants invaded my pantry. My babysitter left town for a 10-day vacation. I had six kid taxi trips to make. And the last of our five fish, the strong one, the one Anna named Swim Eat Silly, died.

It was right before car trip #3 that I noticed Swim was not living up to his name. He was struggling. Damn! I thought. I knew I should have cleaned the tank earlier in the week. But I procrastinated, for no good reason except laziness. I cleaned the tank and put him back in after using some special chemical that supposedly quickly rids tap water of water purification chemicals. Then I woke the two girls up from their naps and hustled to get Henry from school.

When I arrived back I saw that Swim had perked up. He was breathing more smoothly and swimming a bit more. Clearly my neglect of the tank water had caused him some harm. Would he survive?

I checked him before and after the three remaining car trips. Each time, he was worse off, but he didn't die, either. His little body curved into a strange shape and he lay on the bottom of the tank for long periods of time. When I walked by, he would jump up and swim around, as though he knew I was there. He's just a fish, I told myself.

After dinner, he seemed to be convulsing. I decided he must have suffered brain damage when the tank water went bad. I lifted him out of the tank with the scooper and he didn't fight at all. He died immediately--didn't even gasp once. We buried him and I cried, even though he was just a fish.

The Tooth Fairy and Other Lies

2005-05-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

My five-year-old lost her first tooth last week. She literally lost it, didn't even know it was gone. She came over to tell me something and I thought she looked funny. She opened wide and the tooth was gone -- I don't think she even knew it. Don't know where it went -- maybe she swallowed it. It was very One Morning in Maine, except we don't live in Maine and it happened inside the house.

I told my friends. One of them asked what the tooth fairy brought. Um, nothing. Suzanne never mentioned the tooth fairy, so I didn't raise the issue.

Here's my problem. Years ago at a playgroup, the butcher's wife mentioned how Santa Claus is the first time many parents purposefully lie to their kids. For some reason, this really struck me. Since then, I haven't played up Santa Claus, she gets enough of it from our culture. We've read books about the historical Santa Claus but I don't really get into the nitty gritty of telling her he's real or unreal, but none of her presents are from Santa -- they come from mom and dad. The same friend who asked about what the tooth fairy brought also asked what Santa brought. She must think I'm a nutcase, maybe thats why she's always so nice to Suzanne.

Anyway, I guess Suzanne hasn't heard much about the tooth fairy -- if she had and had expected a visit, she would have gotten one. But I'm not bringing it up. I'm thinking she's probably headed for therapy and I'm headed for hell.

I Never Get Mad at My Kids

2005-05-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, right.

Suzanne of Mimilou fame wrote about Anger Management yesterday and asked, "how do you handle those moments when your kid(s) push you to the edge? It happens to you, too, right? Right?"

Yes! It happens to me. It happens to my husband. I wonder what the neighbors think. They compliment our son on his trumpet scales and ask if my two-year-old has woken in the middle of the night lately. But they never comment on the loud yelling that characterizes much of our after-dinner interaction. How tactful of them.

Lately I'm not getting angry with the kids as often, since we instituted stricter rules. I typed up the rules of the house and posted them on the fridge. They include things like "be kind to each other" and "don't run in the house." I also typed up what happens if you don't follow the rules. After one warning, you get the timeout chair--one minute for each year of age.

Last night four-year-old Anna earned the timeout chair. She was arguing with us about whether she could have a snack. It was five minutes until her bedtime and I told her the kitchen was closed. She continued to press and whine. I considered giving in, but fortunately Rick put her in the timeout chair. Then she was so angry she wouldn't go downstairs for bed. In my most authoritative voice, I got her downstairs without physically touching her. It required three times of "get downstairs and brush your teeth." She wouldn't let me say goodnight to her but I felt great--I wasn't angry; I was in control.

The more I feel control, the less I feel angry. Still, it's hard to use the timeout chair. I'd usually rather not hassle with it. But it pays off down the road because the kids know we mean it when we tell them to follow the rules.

Who Is the Beholder?

2005-05-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering my toe-nails for some time now. Bored housewife or social radical? (guess it really isn't a political issue)

Warm weather is finally coming to the DC area and I've been donning sandals as of late. My habit is to start painting my toenails in the spring and through summer. I've never had a manicure or a pedicure and at this point in my life, I wear that as a badge of honor (along with never having had my hair 'done' or having visited a tanning bed. I'm not a natural woman by any means, one of my greatest joys in life is dyeing my hair and has been for a couple of decades). Polished toes look kind of nice, though, so I paint them. Its a pain and I've been known to wear chipped polish for a week before I repaint -- and then there is the all-consuming question of whether to just put another coat on to hide the chips or to remove the polish and re-apply.

Whatever. I don't feel like polishing my toe-nails anymore. My toes look fine -- they are toes. I flatter myself to think they are not my most attractive feature so whether I should call attention to them by painting them is yet another question. My toes don't look awful unpainted -- they do in mid-summer when the polish has yellowed the nail a bit.

Anyway, as a social reactionary (or perhaps an antisocial person), I feel spurred on in my decision not to paint my toes by Anne's post on her other blog, Economom. For whom do I paint my toes? I paint my toes for me and I don't want to do it anymore.

Don't worry, I'm not about to stop shaving or burn my bra (I need that lift and support).

Vacation Reading

2005-05-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

We're going to the beach in a couple of weeks and I'm looking for some light, funny, interesting summer reading. I'm currently reading homeschooling books and a book on comparative religion. I used to be a big fiction reader but I've drifted away from that recently. My recent fiction books have been Susan Howatch novels, but I've gotten tired of the formula and of the religious/spiritual format (they really all say the same things anyway).

So, I'm looking for something to read but I would prefer not to actually purchase the book. I've requested books from the local library, however, I'm deep enough in the waiting lists and the library holdings are few enough that I don't think I'll get any of them in time for vacation. My husband insists I won't have much time to read since we have young children, but I'll have the loooong car trip down and back and last couple of years I was able to do a fair amount of reading. Of course, our youngest was napping then, giving me a 2-hour block every afternoon while DH took the eldest on outings to the playground or pool. The youngest is no longer napping, so maybe DH has a point.

Anyway, what do I want to read? Prep, I am Charlotte Simmons, Smashed. Yep, I'm looking for books about collegiate life replete with substance abuse shenanigans in an attempt to learn why we do stupid things in college (at least, some of us). Probably won't get them from the library and don't want to fork out the cash for them.

DH suggested I Don't Know How She Does It which would definitely be available at the library. Doesn't appeal to me. I read the Nanny Diaries a couple of years ago and enjoyed it. I thought the first half was really funny but found the second half immensely depressing. Poor kid. The nanny I found to be too self-centered even for a college student. It was a good read though and would be perfect beach reading.

I just saw a review for White House Nannies, that could be fun. The waiting list isn't too long, but with only a few copies in the library system, I'm unlikely to get it.

Yes, I could shell out the money to buy one of these books, but I'm now faced with option paralysis as to which one I want to read enough to buy it. Too many choices.

I'll probably read a book about a Zen practitioner facing a terminal illness, thats available at the library.

Pantry Dinner: Chicken Chili Verde

2005-05-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Marjorie's Cheap Eats, I converted a slow-cooker recipe from one of Dana Carpender's low-carb cookbooks to a pantry dinner using canned chicken breast. Rick (my husband) and Rose (au pair) pronounced it delicious.

Chicken Chili Verde from the pantry

1 medium onion, chopped
1 T vegetable oil
1 10-oz can chicken breast, drained and shredded with a fork
1 16-oz jar salsa verde
1 4-oz can chopped fire-roasted green chiles
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp black pepper

Saute onion in oil until limp and translucent. Add chicken breast and saute briefly, then stir in salsa verde, green chiles, cumin, and black pepper. Simmer over low heat for about ten minutes.

Serve with warm flour tortillas, shredded monterey jack cheese, and sour cream.

Variations
* If you have a lot of adults to feed, add a second 10-oz can of chicken breast. It will be less of a budget meal this way but the chili turns out heartier and chunkier.
* If you like spicy food, add canned sliced jalapenos.

Fitting In or Sticking Out

2005-05-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

There are some people who easily adapt to almost any situation. Perhaps I shouldn't be judging my own children or anyone else's, but I think my third child Laura and Marjorie's darling daughter Suzanne will fit in wherever they go. These are sociable, verbal, happy girls. Big school, little school, homeschool, unschool--they're going to do great.

Some kids and some people, more generally, have a harder time fitting in. Diana writes how she felt alone and apart at her kids' talent show. That's generally how I feel at large school gatherings. I don't socialize well in big groups especially if I don't know people well. I am easily exhausted by crowds. And I'm not good at small talk. I have a hypercompetitive streak that lights up in the presence of people who are better dressed or more well-spoken than I am. I like small groups and one-on-ones where I know people well.

I had the happy realization this morning that my nine-year-old son Henry has found a place where he fits in: his small Montessori school here on Maui. It's parent-teacher conference time at school. From when Henry was three until he was in second grade, the conferences we had with Henry's teachers were uniformly negative. He's an introvert like me, and like me, he's given to perfectionism and anxiety. He's strongly internally motivated but breaks down under external pressure. He makes friends slowly. Until he was in second grade, every conference was dominated by talks of how to fix Henry. He couldn't cope; he was too anxious; he didn't socialize enough. Then his second grade teacher realized he needed a break. He's a fine kid, gentle and caring. He doesn't need pressure to do good work. And he'll socialize when he's ready and comfortable.

We didn't know that by moving him from a high-powered gifted and talented magnet school in Virginia to a go-at-your-own-pace one-room Montessori schoolhouse in Maui we'd be planting him in just the soil that he needed.

It's a constant churn of meeting one person's needs and then another's with five headstrong members of the family. Now Rick's accelerating in his career and learning so many new things, but I'm struggling to figure out work that can balance family with my need for intellectual stimulation. Henry's thriving while four-year-old Anna still pines for her Virginia friends and can't quite accept the loss of Mr. C., her old preschool teacher. Laura, well, like I said: she'll do great anywhere.

Please Don't Tell My Kids How They Feel

2005-05-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

My oldest had her 5-year check-up the other day. No shots but she had to have a finger-prick blood test. I hate those, she hates those -- it was a bit tense. I tried soothing and calming her a bit and it helped a little, but she was still scared and stalling (she was not screaming or thrashing about). The lab tech and nurse did not have the best bed-side manner and were trying to rush me along with some nonsense about others waiting to use the lab -- the office was actually pretty empty at the time and, I'm sorry, but I usually wait 1/2 hour in the waiting room and an additional 10 minutes in the examining room. I think they can be understanding that a 5 year-old is not thrilled about a needle stick.

Sorry, ranting. Anyway, what got me most was after the lab tech pierced my child, she proceeded to do her thing to collect the blood samples. Suzanne was still crying and fussing a bit (this was not a horror show fit, just typical whining about the pain) and the tech told her it didn't hurt anymore. Now I wanted to throw a horror show scene because I always found the squeezing of the stuck finger to be far more painful than the needle stick. I calmly said something to that effect but I wanted to scream at this woman not to lie to my child and how did she know anyway. Bitch. Pardon my honesty.

Maybe its time for me to check into alternative health care.

The second episode happened during a playdate when her playmate started mixing playdough colors. Not a big deal, we'd probably all agree, but it upset a small child. The playmate's parent said that he does it all the time and might even have suggested she'd get more playdough and soothingly said to my daughter, "Don't cry, Suzanne." We don't need more playdough, we can certainly work through our anal issues about not mixing colors (this comes from me), but don't tell my child not to express her emotions. Again, this was not a big fit or tantrum, more of a whining with tears streaming down her face. Not a big deal, but it definitely underscores to me what one should not say to a child.

Don't worry, I say the wrong thing plenty of times. I'm glad to notice these things because, hopefully, it will help me correct my behavior.

Moms' Names

2005-05-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the playgroup, I'm looking for a bit of enlightenment here.

How should your child's friends address you (or your friends' children, for that matter) ? I'm for the formality of Mrs. X. I can understand the informality of first names, but I can't help but feel its inappropriate. Granted, when I was a kid, I thought it was super-cool when a neighbor, friend's parent, or substitute teacher said, "call me Thelma."

When I was a new mom, my friend Anne was a seasoned mom -- I always liked the way she used Mrs. Smith when she was talking to her kids referring to me. Another friend in playgroup, used to refer to us to her child as "Miss Marjorie" and "Miss Anne." I was okay with that, too, but I think it was beginning to veer towards only the name as the child got older. Our neighbors' elementary school-aged kids call both me and my husband by our first names and it drives us a bit batty. Having a munchkin, or a not so munchkin, call me Marjorie is grating to me -- most especially if I had not been asked if it was okay.

But its not okay -- I had a friend over yesterday and she was telling her son that if he wanted something or other, that he should ask me. She paused before finishing this directive, turned to me and asked if it was okay if he called me Marjorie. I felt like a total heel, but I stuck to my guns and said "I'd prefer he use Mrs. Smith." She smiled and it was all fine, but I did feel like a fuddy-duddy. I would have prefered if the default had been Mrs. Smith; that would still allow me to lessen formality if I wanted by saying "no, please, call me Marjorie."

I definitely see the point of children using first names as a way of showing a greater friendliness, but in those cases I have a real need for a title, like "Miss Marjorie" or "Aunt Marjorie" even if we're not blood-related. Its not that I'm a big authoritarian, to me its more of an issue of respect.

Welcome to Paradise

2005-05-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't complained about Maui lately, so here's my monthly it's-not-paradise post. As of about a month ago, Maui has no scrapyard for old cars and appliances. But Maui residents are resourceful. They know what to do with their unwanted junkers and Jenn-Airs: leave them by the side of the road. Maui has turned into a junkyard.

I appreciate that Maui is teaching me so directly that disposing of our waste isn't automatic, that there are limits to what we can do to our environment, that sometimes there just isn't a place to put the stuff we think we no longer need. Still, I would like to live in a place that has an actual junkyard and doesn't force me to confront the reality of the disposable American lifestyle each day as I chauffeur my kids to school, karate, and swimming class.

Old cars by the side of the road don't bother you? Try this: two tourists from New Jersey were beaten up and robbed in the only park in my town that has a playground. Nice, huh? Spirit of aloha, right?

They say that Maui embraces you or chews you up and spits you out. I think "they" have got it backwards: I'm chewing on Maui and it's making me gag. Quick, give me a spittoon!

I Sold Two Articles

2005-05-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

Now I can call myself a writer. I sold two articles, one on herbal therapy for weight loss and one on planning a family trip to Hawaii. This is the first time I've made any money since getting a surprise bonus for a patent application made by the last software company I worked for.

My big paycheck? Thirty whole dollars! Wow! How am I going to decide where to spend it all? After taxes it might be enough to take the entire crew out to McDonald's but only if we drink water and I order a cheeseburger instead of a salad.

The articles will be published in the next couple of months on a web site that wraps useful content in advertisements. It's really no different from television or magazines--they get their revenue from advertising too.

It's a baby step towards working again. I'm thrilled.

Mind Control for Mothers

2005-05-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

I had the happy experience this morning of seeing that my EconoMom blog had been referenced by Cynical Mom in a discussion of her decision to switch from full-time to part-time work. She described how she was annoyed by people congratulating her on the decision, implying that she was making the change for the good of 1.3 children (she is pregnant with her second). She did not make the decision for the good of her children, she said; she made it for herself. She wanted more time with her son and she didn't want to make him stay up late or take her own time away or eliminate time with her husband.

Are we allowed as mothers to make decisions just because they benefit us? Or do we always have to put ourselves second? Are we allowed to be honest about how we make our choices and how they make us feel? Or do we have to candy everything into an Everlasting Gobstopper of motherly sweetness?

I know the annoyance that Cynical Mom feels. I get annoyed when people congratulate me for staying home with my kids. That only happens when they don't know I have full-time live-in care for my three children. I have noted before that the reason I don't work is not to benefit my kids. I don't work because I'm relatively lazy and I don't like corporate politics. Yes, it means my kids see more of me. That's great, but that's not why I'm at home. So don't pretend you understand my life just because you can slap the letters SAHM on me.

Sadly, Cynical Mom decided to take her post down, probably because of the unhelpful comments she received. One slammed her for being negative. Being analytical and serious and thoughtful does not always equal negative! And we are allowed to express our reservations at how society at large controls us through its motherhood rhetoric. The second comment was more sensitive but told her she was just plain wrong about her own motivations and about whether it is better for her son if she works part-time.

Are we allowed as mothers to have our own minds, our own beliefs, our own ways of meeting the world? Sometimes I think we're not.

A Virtual Playgroup

2005-05-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

When we were tossing around ideas for this blog, Marjorie suggested we make it like a playgroup. I confess I didn't really get it. Now, after doing it for a week, I get it, and I really like it.

We wanted to avoid judging and ranting. We haven't ranted, but my post about finding out the gender of your child was more judgmental than I wanted--it was not something I'd say in an actual playgroup; it was too confrontational. But it led to just the type of exchange I'd like to have in an actual playgroup--other mothers telling me why they weren't finder-outers and helping me understand this choice. It made me remember that I was a non-finder-outer until I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first child. Then I was just too impatient and the doctor with her ultrasound wand all too accommodating. Though I was certain I was carrying a girl, it was my dear Henry, now nine years old.

Here in Maui, I really haven't made good friends. I haven't made the effort. I'm busy writing and blogging and planning for the career I'm going to launch when I return to the mainland. I made such good friends in Virginia that I feel no lack of friends in my life. And I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I have my playgroup here on Chocolate and Peanut Butter.

Come on in, sit down, have a Reese's, and let's talk.

Funny Movies

2005-05-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

I'll see any movie with Ben Stiller in it. I also like Steve Martin and I'm really excited that he's starring as Inspector Jacques Clouseau in the new Pink Panther movie coming out sometime this year.

Last week we chanced upon Mel Brooks' Robin Hood: Men in Tights on TV. Thirty minutes into it was bedtime for Henry and Anna, so I turned it off figuring we could order it from NetFlix. The first half hour was hilarious. Sadly, it's not available on DVD. Meanwhile, we have a whole new set of movies to check out: everything by Mel Brooks. I wasn't too into his films in the past but I need that slapstick humor now and nine-year-old Henry loves it.

We've modified our movie-watching habit so that Wednesday night is kids' movie night (an animated film or other kid-appropriate movie) and Saturday night is adults' movie night. The adults sometimes watch with the kids and vice versa, but not always. This Wednesday we're watching Spaceballs, a Mel Brooks spoof of the original Star Wars trilogy. The best and most disgusting character in it is Pizza the Hut, dripping with cheese and meat toppings. On Saturday night we'll enjoy Meet the Fockers.

Cake Talk

2005-05-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

If I make a cake, I use a boxed cake -- I think they taste great and its so easy. I was chatting with a couple of moms at Suzanne's birthday party today about it (Suzanne is still young enough where her friends are mostly my friends' kids, so I really enjoyed the guests at the party). These moms told me that baking a cake from scratch is pretty difficult, that they often turn out dry. This made me feel like I have a good reason to use a boxed cake -- not only is it easy, its actually better than scratch.

However, frosting is a different matter. I don't care for canned frosting -- too sweet, not enough flavor, chemical aftertaste. When I make frosting, I use my mama's recipe (she probably got it from somewhere, but I don't know where). Its easy and yummy and here it is.

Mama's Heavenly Frosting

In a screwtop jar, add 1/2 cup milk and 2 tablespoons flour. Shake until well mixed. Pour into a small saucepan and put on stove over medium-high heat. Stir constantly until it forms a paste. Remove from heat and let cool completely.

In a bowl, cream together 1 stick of butter and 1/2 cup sugar using a mixer. Add the paste and 1 teaspoon vanilla and mix until fluffy like whipped cream. Frost cake or eat straight.

For a chocolate version, I simply add 1/3 cup cocoa powder. You might want to adjust the amount to taste -- I love a strong chocolate flavor.

Enjoy!

Birthday Party Post Mortem

2005-05-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today was Suzanne's 5th birthday and her birthday party. I'll try to be brief here, but may give the long version over on my other blog, unclimber, where I direct my homeschooling and religion posts.

The weather was hard to call. We have had a string of days with gorgeous weather until yesterday evening, when we had three violent thunderstorms. The newspaper was calling for t-storms today and it was cloudy all morning. The party was in the afternoon, so I planned for more of an indoor affair. I had a couple of crafts for the kids to do and my husband was on stand-by as the MC for games.

The crafts consisted of puppet- and bookmark-making stations. For the puppets -- the kids were given brown paper lunch bags, google eyes, markers, scrap paper, and glue sticks. Bookmark making was even simpler -- strip of paper from a scrapbooking kit I have and stickers. Stick the stickers on the strips and voila -- your very own bookmark. Sorry, kids, crafts are not my gig.

It was nice enough to play outside and I was kicking myself that I wasn't better prepared. I love to have toys, tents, and bubble equipment out for the kids but I didn't have it for fear that everything would get drenched in a downpour. Inspiration struck my husband, though, and he had the wagon out for kids to climb in while he raced around the backyard pulling it. It was a hit! Of course, he was pretty tired by the effort.

After hearing thunder and feeling a few drops, we headed inside. We were an hour into a two-hour party so I thought it would be a good time for cake. We had one cake from a local grocery store and we had made cupcakes and frosting that morning. I ran out of time making the frosting so the cupcakes became another craft -- frost your own. That was actually a big hit because kids that age like spreading and they got to choose between chocolate or vanilla frosting. I had logistical problems as my kitchen area is a bit tight -- if you're going to do this, I recommend having room for all the kids to sit down.

We had lots of time for free-play and the party probably dragged a bit, but I'll spin it to say that everyone was able to relax and talk. I'm one of those 'open presents after the party' types, so I didn't have that to fill the time. Luckily the weather had cleared and some kids finished out the party playing outside.

We survived and Suzanne was happy with the party. I would have been happier if my youngest hadn't fallen out of a chair I was attempting to gently move with her in it, causing her to bleed profusely from the mouth and causing me to worry about 'dead' front teeth.

Its over. Thank God.

College Blogging

2005-05-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

Just got this from Steve over at llamabutchers. An adjunct professor at SMU got fired ("failed to have her contract renewed") because of blogging (no, they don't say that, but come on).

Anyway, bits of her blog are still up, I hope she gets a book deal.

BTW, a book I loved long ago about college life from various perspectives was Jane Smiley's Moo.

Boy or Girl?

2005-05-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

I try to understand when pregnant women and their husbands don't want to learn the sex of the baby. But I just don't. I don't get it. It's so much more practical to know. It's just as much a surprise when you find it out at the eighteen-week sonogram as at the forty-week birth. You have an answer when people ask, "boy or girl?" And you can settle on a name. Still, I try to understand and be empathetic to this choice.

But this I really don't understand.

Feeling Crusty

2005-05-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

My daughters ask me to rip the crust off of Pop-Tarts. I guess it's because there's no super-sweet filling in the edge. About a month ago, they both stopped eating the puffy crust on pizza slices. They would eat three or four bites of the cheesiest middle, then say, "ready for another piece!" We had to put a stop to that because I was getting tired of eating all crust and no middle.

Why is it that so many kids don't like crust? And does anybody buy those frozen PB&J "uncrustables"?

I like crusts on Pop-Tarts and pizza, but not on brownies. My husband Rick likes brownies from the edge of the pan--brownies with crust--but I adore the gooey middle ones.

Happy Mother's Day, Anne

2005-05-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

...and to all mothers and mothers-to-be (expecting or otherwise).

And now, a tale of my first Mother's Day... or was it?
[wavy text as we turn the back the clock]

Mother's Day 2000 was on May 14, the latest date possible for Mother's Day, which is the second Sunday of every May. I was very large with my first child and have the pictures to prove it. My due date was May 19 but I had been certain I'd go early -- I was exercising and walking and my OB had pushed my due date back by two weeks early in the pregnancy. Based on my calculations, I was due May 5, based on the initial ultrasound, I was due May 19. Bad luck.

Mother's Day morning, I noticed the absence of any card for me at the breakfast table. I questioned my husband, Tom, about this. "You're not a mother" was his response. For those of you out there unclear on this issue, any pregnant woman is a mother -- especially one that is about to pop. Breakfast was tense that morning. I can't recall whether my husband produced a card that the had bought just in case -- regardless, the damage was done -- I was not a mother in his eyes. I responded later that I must have been a mother because he certainly was a mother f**ker (it was a joke, I find coarse language to be strangely empowering. I'm not the only woman to feel this way. I'm not saying anyone should emulate me.)

We went to church, which was rare for us in those days. As we exited, one extremely kind woman tapped me and wished me a happy Mother's Day. I shot Tom a dirty look.

My husband and I joined my parents and my maternal grandmother for brunch. We discussed Tom's faux pas at breakfast. My father backed him up, asserting that I was not a mother. (For some reason, there are certain men that seem to get a lot of enjoyment out of annoying me. This is not unique to me, I've witnessed Anne's husband bait her. I guess they just like the danger of it all.) My mother, precious angel that she is, had a card for me. She mentioned it was hard for her to pick a card because she didn't know if she should get a mother-to-be card or a mother card, since it was possible I might have had the baby before Mother's Day.

No, really, it gets better. That evening, Tom and I took a long stroll around the neighborhood. We came home and I proceeded to put together a casserole for dinner. Right after I put it in the oven, about 6 pm, I turned around, ready to make some salads. At that point -- whoosh! My water broke unmistakably. I was so excited and scared and freaked. I thought it was mighty convenient that my water didn't break until after I got Tom's dinner made. My OB told me that I was to wait until the contractions came X minutes apart and then head for the hospital. If the contractions never came, we were to go to the hospital around midnight because of concern over infection and that we'd need to get the show on the road.

We went to the hospital and my daughter was born after 9 am on Monday, May 15, thereby insuring that her birthday never fall on Mother's Day, so I can never even say, 'well, if you were born in thus and such a year, it would have been on Mother's Day.'

To this day, my father loves to point out that Tom has celebrated more Father's Days that I have Mother's Days.

Happy Mother's Day!

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman

2005-05-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

Natural accomplishment, eh? But remember, I'm anti-rewards, so my idea of 'accomplishment' probably also varies from that of many others.

I enjoyed Elizabeth's review as I'm sure I'll never read the book -- but it sounds as if Lareau is humming the tune "What Do the Simple Folk Do?" If I recall, the singers of that song ended up divorced with the wife nearly burned at the stake -- rescued by the dashing Lancelot but then cutting off her hair and vowing a life of chastity.

Wait, what was the topic?

I suppose the book discusses that the working class may not shuttle their kids around to activities because of the financial restrictions of their economic status. That could be the only reason why parents don't 'do everything possible to give their kid every advantage.' There are those of us who actually choose this way of life. We define 'advantage' differently. To me, the most important 'advantage' is copious time with my children and granting them the freedom to let their imaginations roam and look at the clouds instead of forcing them into an unceasing parade of activities in which they may have little interest. However, there is a big difference between taking a ballet or karate class and having every afternoon and weekend booked with lessons and tutoring and athletics.

I always wonder if the jam-packed schedules have more to do with the parents competing with one another than having to do with nurturing their child's talents. I think there may be a herd mentality, that 'everyone is doing it.' A recent Op-Ed in the Washington Post supports this -- she says twice that she sent her kids to camp for just that reason.

As to 'middle class' naturalists (unschoolers), there is a big divide in philosophy over whether to allow the kids unfettered access to TV, believing (and proving) that the kids moderate themselves eventually, and getting rid of the TV altogether.

Interesting book -- I don't see the need to lump people into groups. Anne seems to me to be interested in the sociological approach, I'm more interested in the psychological approach. I'm uninterested in the demographics and am more likely to wonder what it is about people that makes them choose certain approaches.

Concerted Cultivation or Accomplishment of Natural Growth

2005-05-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

We could have called this blog Cultivation and Natural Growth but that doesn't sound quite as yummy as Chocolate and Peanut Butter. It would, however, represent our two approaches to parenting. I am more the Concerted Cultivation mom: my older children are enrolled in a private Montessori school, they have a busy schedule of after-school activities, and I feel guilty when I don't entertain and cater to them. Marjorie, on the other hand, believes firmly in the power of children to accomplish their own natural growth given an enriching and loving environment. Because of this philosophical belief, she's chosen unschooling for her children's education.

These two approaches are outlined in the book Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race and Family Life by Annette Lareau reviewed by Elizabeth of Half-Changed World. Lareau associates the "accomplishment of natural growth" approach with poor and working class families and the "concerted cultivation" with middle class families, but I'm sure there are many exceptions, as in Marjorie's case.

The ideal might be a combination of these two approaches, mixed with a third, one I will call the "employee development" approach. In that approach, children are treated as part of the economic unit that is the family, working together for a happy and healthy life. There is something other than sitting in front of the TV all the time (something that Lareau noted in some "natural growth" families but not by any means an intrinsic element of that approach) and sitting in the car on the way to karate, speech therapy, or music lessons all the time ("concerted cultivation"). That's where children work alongside their parents in doing the work of the household. I haven't gotten my children anywhere near as involved in chores as I would like, but every time I do, it's been worth the hassle.

Yesterday I had just finished attending speech therapy with four-year-old Anna when it was time to take Henry to karate. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. "Mommy, wait!" Anna cried, "I have to be your helper!" The week prior, I had taken her with me to the grocery store while Henry was at karate. A diligent and sociable girl, Anna loved the chance to be alone with me and feel productive. So we had a practical and pleasant mother-daughter outing while Henry kicked and yelled "chum-be!" to his karate-mates.

Inconsistency

2005-05-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

I got a chance to play some tennis today. I suppose I'm the girl with the curl -- when I make good shots, they are very good, but when I don't, my shots are horrid.

I remember years ago playing on an office volleyball team. A friend of mine stated bluntly that I'm an inconsistent player -- she couldn't predict where I would send the ball or if I'd even make it over the net. She was probably pretty frustrated about that.

Its not that I'm unathletic, its just that I've never had much practice in any of these sports. My mom never wanted me playing rec league sports because they really interrupt family time on weekends. So, I can play sports, but I'm either not good or I'm inconsistent.

It makes me wonder where else in my life I'm inconsistent -- definitely with mothering, I can be very moody. My husband tells me I'm not inconsistent as a spouse, but I think he's trying positive reinforcement.

Consistency now....consistency now....

On An Even Keel

2005-05-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

(I wonder if I spelled that right...)

Mike's comment on my Elastigirl post got me thinking. What if sometimes a cartoon is only a cartoon? Well, no, it didn't get me thinking that, but it does make me wonder about opinions and balance.

I am a woman of strongly held opinions. I like being that way, but I'm finally recognizing that it might be an impediment to compassion, understanding, and peace. Anyone reading through Unclimber and Barely Attentive Mother can see that Anne and I have gone at it on various issues with me blundering around in absolutes and her suggesting a bit of moderation and understanding.

Sometimes I fear that any attempt to moderate myself might end up diluting my passions. As a creature of passion, I cannot imagine life without passion. Then again, I long for more patience and understanding with my kids. I constantly remind myself that these small creatures are also vulnerable and delicate and that they really don't need mommy yelling at them in an attempt to relieve her frustrations (it never works anyway).

A final concern is that if I moderate my opinions I will become wishy-washy and aimless, unsure of anything and unable to make a decision.

Well, I think I can safely try to exercise a bit more empathy without becoming a door-mat.

My Other New Blog

2005-05-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

I've started another blog, EconoMom, to indulge my interest in economics as applied to the homemaking life. This way my biased appraisals of what's going to happen to the housing market won't clog up Chocolate and Peanut Butter.

The other time I started a topic-specific blog (my food and cooking blog The Everyday Cafe), I didn't keep up with it. But you never know what's going to stick.

Picture Book Recommendation: The Quiltmaker's Gift

2005-05-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

My four-year-old Anna discovered The Quiltmaker's Gift by Jeff Brumbeau with pictures by Gail de Marcken among the books in our basement. de Marcken's watercolors enchant; I would love paging through them even if I didn't enjoy the story. Publisher's Weekly called it a "somewhat pedestrian fable." But walking can be good exercise. The story shares a lesson we in America need to hear more: happiness isn't for sale at Wal-Mart or Neiman Marcus.

My Fairy-Tale Existence

2005-05-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

I have two daughters. Suzanne is nearly 5 and Gabrielle is 2 1/2. Gabrielle is going through an extreme "Mommy phase." She wants me to hold her and carry her much of the time. Her sleep, and mine, is disturbed several times a night as she cries for me. I don't know if she has nightmares, night terrors, or if she just wakes up between sleep cycles and wants me.

Last night, I went into her room to soothe her several times. She continued to cry for me, progressing to screaming for me. We recently moved her from her crib to a toddler bed and she now shares a room with her sister. Toddler beds are short (the crib mattress is used in the bed), low to the ground and have a weight restriction that would prohibit even Elasticgirl from climbing in and cuddling up with her child. Thus, I sat on the floor and leaned over to comfort Gabrielle. Each time I attempted to leave the room, she started to cry. I decided to sleep on the floor next to her and this soothed her enough so that we both eventually drifted to sleep.

Before I fell asleep, I was thinking about how I was curled up on the floor amongst my children sleeping in their beds, a modern day Kinderella.

Weight and Feminist Ire

2005-05-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

We love string cheese. Being thrifty (cheap), I buy whatever brand is cheapest based on sales and coupons. Recently, we've been eating Frigo Cheese Heads. The individual packages promote various characters from The Incredibles. I haven't seen the movie, but I know Anne has. Each cheese stick has a different character and interesting factoid about the character's particular talents or attributes -- like some male character who is so cool, he says "Freeze" to the bad guys before he freezes them.

Well, on my cheese stick package, I see a lovely picture of an animated young woman. The accompanying text says:

Elastigirl is 5'8" tall and weighs 125 pounds. Her power is full-body
elasticity.

Why do we get the height and weight of this character? I reviewed the contents of the entire package (and a big package it is) and there is no other height or weight measurement given for any other character, and there are a couple of different packages for each character.

Who is the target market of this product? Thirty-something moms? Yeah, I'm going to ask my kids if I can go see The Incredibles. I'm thinking its targeted to a younger demographic, one that is perhaps very weight sensitive? [Hello my anger. Breathing in, I smile at you, breathing out, I embrace you.....nope, not working]

I am outraged at this. First of all, I don't think 125 is a reasonable weight for most 5'8" women, its very skinny. I'm an inch shorter and was about that weight right before I got married because I couldn't stand my law school roommate and spent all my time in the gym and eating frozen vegetable stir-fries. While I enjoyed feeling skinny, I knew I looked peaked. One friend of mine figured I was thin because of stress, which I took to mean I didn't look healthy and good. Granted, I was 26 at the time, so its not too off the wall that a teenager might be this skinny. But what about the ones who aren't? I think this package might as well list the urls for the Ana (anorexia) and Mia (bulimia) websites.

Grrrrrr.......

Cheap Eats

2005-05-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should post a response rather than a super-long comment to Anne's post on feeding a family for $10 a day. Like I said in my comment, I don't know what our meals cost, but since I prefer to use 'shelf stable' ingredients, I'm betting our meals are pretty cheap.

In addition to each entree listed below, we have a salad and a half grapefruit or other in-season fruit. Okay, only when I have them on hand, usually its just salad or some frozen vegetable that I've steamed. Our meals tend to be sparse. An interesting note: Tom lost 10 lbs. when we were first married because of my propensity for low-fat, bean-based cooking and because he had previously been eating restaurant food twice a day.

What do the kids eat? Gabrielle, 2 1/2, eats table food. Suzanne, 5, eats nothing usually. She may nibble on cheese or leftover tortillas. I read in a book about picky eaters that young kids really only need two meals a day -- I like that so I'll go with it. Suzanne has a good breakfast and lunch and a vitamin pill so I stay off her case about eating. Bad mommy but I don't think its enough to trigger a CPS visit (Child Protective Service is our state's child welfare office). We offer her food, we just don't make her eat it.

Some of our frequent meals include:

Tuna White Bean Casserole -- called Sparky's Cannelini Salad on Anne's blog

Jarred spaghetti sauce with spaghetti -- get 'em on sale

Chicken Florentine Casserole
with canned chicken, frozen spinach, a can of cream of mushroom soup and other ingredients

Chicken Pot Pie
canned chicken, cream of chicken soup, about a cup and a half of frozen mixed veggies and corn muffin mix for the top.

Bean Dip Casserole
a basic black bean dip recipe doubled and served with brown rice.

Hot dogs with baked beans

Crispitoes
a 15 oz can fat-free refried beans heated and mixed with a 15 oz can of petite diced tomatoes with jalapeno peppers/green chiles (Del Monte or RoTel); this mixture is used as filling for tortillas which I then bake for about a half hour at 350. These are really burritoes, but if you don't cover the pan, they get crisp, hence the name. When reheated in the microwave, they get mushy and become 'sogitos.'

Chicken curry
a can of chicken and a can of chickpeas with a curry sauce -- look for it in The Can Opener Gourmet

Chicken patties
we'll each have a frozen chicken breast patty with a side of mac n' cheese or other Lipton side dish. These are easy to keep on hand for a quick meal.

Once a week we order out from or eat out at a local ethnic restaurant, usually Indian, Thai or Italian. We often get a cheapo pizza at the grocery store for Friday night dinner.

Can you feed your family dinner on less than $10?

2005-05-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

How much does it cost you to put together a quick and healthy dinner for your family? I'm happy if I can do it for under fifteen dollars for my family of six made up of three children and three adults (we have a live-in nanny). My favorite dinners these days are the ones that I don't have to cook. Last week I bought a roasted chicken, a bag of coleslaw mix and a tub of premade mac and cheese for a little over fifteen dollars. I carved the chicken and mixed a quick mayo dressing for the coleslaw. The mac and cheese heated up in three minutes in the microwave.

When my kids eat the "adult" main dishes, it is harder to do budget meals. My nine-year-old son Henry has recently begun eating meat. I make Italian Sausage Burgers with a pound of ground beef and we hardly have enough for the five members of the family who love them. They're so delicious it's no wonder we fight over them. You mix ground beef with Italian sausage seasonings like fennel, thyme, and paprika. Then form it into patties and broil on one side for five minutes. Turn over, spoon on plain tomato sauce, top with a thin slice of mozzarella cheese and broil for another five minutes. The recipe is from Express Lane Cookbook by Sarah Fritschner.

If I weren't in Hawaii, I bet I could do budget dinners for ten dollars or less. What about you? What does "budget dinner" mean to you and what are your favorites?

Why chocolate and peanut butter?

2005-05-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

Because it's the best damn flavor combination around. If only I had a piece of Cheesecake Factory Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake right now, yummmmmmm...

Also because more than four years ago Marjorie and I met at a church lunch kicking off the start of the church year, in school year terms, that is. I made chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips from a mix. Rick (my husband) and I had already noticed the couple sitting in church with a baby who appeared to be around our daughter's age. I saw them sitting alone at a table and even though she was perfectly put together and her husband was so handsome that he couldn't possibly have been a nice person too, I talked to her anyway.

We immediately learned that we were both completely committed to chocolate and peanut butter. We have been friends ever since.

In the intervening years I haven't had a friend so good as Marjorie. Yes, we drove each other crazy sometimes and now we live thousands of miles and many time zones apart. I'm sure if we hadn't had our blogs we would have shortly lost touch. I'm terrible at writing letters or making phone calls. Since our commitments to our personal blogs waned, it seemed like we might do better in partnership. So here it is:

Chocolate and Peanut Butter

Better together!

How to embrace a new life

2005-05-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Shortly after I moved to Maui, locals told me "Maui either embraces you or chews you up and spits you out." This must be Corollary A to the Principle of Island Fever which says that if you are some haole* transplant to a Hawaiian island, you will soon suffer mainland withdrawal pains, mostly from having to shop at Wal-Mart rather than Target.

But I refuse to accept the Principle of Island Fever and the Corollary of Maui Mastication and Spittoonishness. Maui will not chew me up and spit me out as though I were a wad of tobacco being worked by some wannabe Apprentice. I am the person here, not Maui, despite its being named after a Polynesian demigod. Maui is just a chunk of volcanic rock; Maui lacks arms to embrace and a mouth to chew and saliva with which to spit. I will be the one doing the embracing. Or the spitting out.

Therefore, I will be searching for ways to embrace Maui since it looks like I'm stuck here--er, I mean, living here--for the next year and a half.

*haole /how'ly/ someone who is white or foreign.

Well Done, Anne!

2005-05-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Chocolate and peanut butter, its my favorite combination. Which do I love more? I cannot say, some days I prefer chocolate, some days I prefer peanut butter, but I always prefer to have both together.